blog post ten.

hello,

i haven't actually posted on here in a while and as you can probably guess. i've been pretty busy. i haven't given up writing as a matter of fact, it's rather the opposite. anyways as much as this helps you ( or so i can hope) it also helps me. i kind of have a straightened outlook by blogging on here.

today i want to discuss an interesting subject to most and that is the subject of love. ( sounded so corny i know)

but i have felt the need to post this a while back simply because as a college student i kind of have done my own field work on it. in a sense majority of my friends are single and let's say that the good 80% of them complain about it.

the week of finals amidst our procrastination in a dinner session, it became girls vs. boys and it was on that very subject.

the debate was quite simple: if a girl and a guy make eye contact. who should approach the other person first? clearly girls felt that the guys should come up and ask the girl for her number and clearly the guys felt that it was okay for the girl to do this. anyways it got relatively interesting as far as emotions go. girls say that girls get more hurt and the guys claim they have emotions. did it change my outlook on things ? perhaps not. it did answer one thing to me which is probably clear for both girls and guys: we often times go for what is wrong for us.

girls : are into the bad boy persona or the jerk persona and in the case of college perhaps the frat boy persona
guys: go for the easy girls ( in some cases) or the pretty girls.

could i be wrong? of course i can i'm never one to claim that i hold the truth because i honestly don't.
i' have never had a boyfriend and for all i know this could just be the people i associate myself with. honestly, have i had the opportunity of not being single? yes i have and i can tell you that i wasn't attracted to most of those guys, i was into the jerk way too many times. i can't deny it because it is the truth. am i shallow? yes i am and often times i'm told that i have a right to be ( due to youth not looks). has any guy ever caught my attention because of his personality? yes there was this one instance but this blog isn't about that ( let's say it was short lived in cause you were curious ). just think of it this way: often times we are single simply because we're looking in the wrong place and to be quite honest i now rethink the guys i like because i simply doubt my taste. i obviously judge a book by it's cover. i clearly am too old school and i do live in an illusion where the guy will approach me ask for my number and hit it off. my question to you is it an illusion to have the full package? or do we as women live in a society where we  have to make the first move?

but here's the other thing often times love occurs when we least expect it. it's something we can't force or expect and as a girl who's waiting on her prince charming i can tell you it from my own personal experience around my friends. nearly none of them we're searching and if they were it ended quickly. so do we simply put those dreams on pause and pursue our own? that depends on you. to answer this question personally i'm telling you that it is best to pursue your own and allow things to happen. believe me i hate being that person to say this to you as much as you hate reading it because it is often times what you hear. believe me it is what i hear as well.

can i conclude this blog post effectively, i honestly can't but  here's another thing.: I'm skeptical of most guys. there i said it, you guys out there have made me skeptical but then again i watch too many chick flicks and read too many romance novels. in my field work, i have grown increasingly skeptical and only to find that when i have no expectations it is when i am surprisingly please ( this applies to a lot more things in life other than love). do these movies paint us a false picture of love? in a way they do but in a way i still believe that love is something magical. in all of the few places i travel when i see an old couple ... i do still believe that can be one day ... but then again this is an 18 year old girl blogging and who am i to say anything when i have yet to encounter it personally.... my inexperience is something i do not take pride in and as for that boy with the personality... i hope that he can read this.. yes i just wrote a huge indirect in a sense.

jackie.

blog post NINE!

hello everyone.

it's me and i know i haven't posted in a long time but.... i have a good reason to now.

honestly i'm in a college library trying to piece together what happened last night (not in that way).

so last night as some of you who know me know as the one direction concert. yes, it was the most epic night of my life. go on and judge me. i'm a first year college student attending a one direction concert. honestly it's so much more than a band.

so to begin with ....

we have to begin where it started and how i became a fan....

i stumbled upon a photo of harry styles one day on a fashion website. it's used dominantly in the U.S and the U.K. i was a huge justin bieber fan and there was a gossip site updating constantly on his whereabouts. one day i checked the website and it was filled with this boyband.... another jonas brothers... oh no! i googled harry styles and turns out he was part of that boy band. all of this happened towards the end of 2011. no one, absolutely no one in my high school had any clue who harry styles was or his band. i know this because i had a cover of harry styles as my binder cover.everyone just stared at it having no clue. what makes you beautiful came out during winter break and it was the song i listened to all.the.time. ask my mom. she'll tell you. she knows every single lyric. 

anyways my godmother... if she's reading this (:

got me the album shipped from england for christmas and it was probably the best gift i got. it even has a sticker indicating it was made in England. 

anyways... i stayed this huge fan. i did have the phase where louis was lewis and where niall was neal but no one knew who they were so did it really matter? soon enough i learned all their names.

it was the Up All Night tour. their very first debut in the US. I remember it clearly.... because my friend had tickets and she was going to offer them to me but she wanted to go. i was younger so i cried in my room. i cried for hours. 

" why don't i have tickets? i've known about them before any of my classmates have"

"why is life so unfair"

i'm a bit dramatic i must admit. 

anyways then take me home came and i met my amazing best friend because she understood me we both understood how much we loved them. it was music that made us bond.

anyways Take Me Home was coming around. we literally tried every single radio competition... and nothing... another tour.

being completely honest i cried once more because my mom basically drove me to Atlanta which is where all my friends were taking these close videos to them at their hotel.  AND my mom decided to say 

" I think we're heading the wrong DIRECTION" 

needless to say cue in the tissues....

and subtract the one direction piece.

music is something that brings people together.

it's something that unites us with it. 

my mom asks why i listen to music so much....

this is why.

she's still my best friend. i attended the movie for them and honestly it was such an amazing experience i bonded with so many fans. age wasn't a factor we all understood how it was like to be such a huge fan. we all wanted the same things and that was to see those five boys....

as a fangirl.. they're the most positive role models i've encountered. they haven't done anything (tremendously) crazy. 

their next tour was Where We Are! and they've only declared the international dates at the time... let me tell you how dedicated i am.

i was willing to travel to my home country of Uruguay to go see them on my graduating year close to the date of graduation. literally 12 days i was (I'm thankful I didn't because.. i had A's & B's but don't tell my mom that).

so finally after months they announced Oct 1 2014 Atlanta........ 

i had to pull strings with my grandmother who i owe a massive thank you and even recorded a thank you from harry himself thanking all the family members who bought tickets for the fans to see them (:.

my ticket was on the floor..... let that sink in.

not only was i going to see them, but i was going to see them up close and personal.
i was super excited and i honestly found out on christmas i had the tickets. i waited from december up until yesterday to see harry styles.


so as all of this was happening..
as i watched harry styles on stage...
as i have to decide what the next steps in my life are...

i decided broadcast journalism. as much as harry styles is attractive and he's selling out arena's it would mean the world to me to have an interview with them and know the story behind the music, tours and fans. it would be amazing. it would be such an experience to see them first hand ( harry if you 're ever reading this... i hope you'll be my first interview and all those four boys)

but as that idea ran through my mind..


as i have mentioned or maybe i haven't cancer is something that hits home to me all the time. it's something i experienced with those i love most and something that needs a cure.

while i was having my ticket i felt blessed and grateful.

as i said music connects people and i want nothing more than to give back. i want nothing more than to give the experience i had to a child who is suffering from cancer or has suffered from cancer and not even cancer any disease.. not even one direction any artists they want to go see. they fight a constant battle.

as long as i have been a fan i know people who probably deserved that ticket more than i did not because i wasn't a big enough fan because they've gone through more battles then i ever have at such a young age.

i want to make a difference in this world. i want to leave some sort of imprint.

yes harry styles blew me a kiss last night.. yes it was the absolute best night of my life hands down but what can i give back from it? what can i contribute to the fans ? what connects us together regradless? it's the music.
i want to give someone the night i had. i want someone to feel that feeling that their real people. i want someone to get the kiss i got from harry. but most of all

i want to make a change.
i want to take all my experiences and give back to the world.
and maybe one direction is the way i can do this or maybe it isn't all i know is i wish that those fans who can't go had the chance i had.

blog post eight.

so as you all know or some of you know and some of you don't.
i'm in college.
it's overwhelming and it has been such a positive experience.
a lot of work and a lot of new friends and all these new experiences.
so as being an only child and honestly only having my mother my whole life. it has gotten hard for me to let go of being at home. it has been a rough experience for me to try and move on but... i know i need to do this.
i need to know i can be on my own. i need to learn to not only be myself but embrace it. it will only make me a stronger person and spending this week on campus at my friends dorm has opened my eyes to many things and i love my mother don't get me wrong and i'll miss her dearly ( even though she's only an hour away) but it's timing and timing is essential to most things in life and now it's my time to move it's my time to focus and be a better person then i was the day before. i love every aspect of this change in my life and sooner or later i'm going to have to move on.

it's something that feels as if i'm letting go of everyone who was back at home and embracing new people but it's not that. i love everyone at home they shape me. they've been there through thick and thin and through all the stuff that's happened to me. through every tear and every smile and i love them all for that. i love seeing them but i basically live on campus already. i don't get home until 9pm and usually my friends are living their own lives which is ok and it's amazing i'm so happy for all of them but it's time i live my own. it's time for me to let go and it's certainly time for me to learn to embrace this new side of what i'm going into.

they'll always be a part of me and for that i'm forever grateful and as painful as it is to start i so have to. i can't make decisions based on other people. it's something hard but maybe you guys will understand what i'm trying to say. it's an amazing journey and my focus has to be solely on books and reading and studying and maybe sometime in between my friends will try and make time for me as i have done for them but let's just see how that goes.


just some tips of mine.
i'd rather not speak of
lots of love and happiness

jackie.

blog post seven.

i don't care about a lot of sports. i don't watch baseball or basketball or football. there's one particular sport being born Uruguayan that i absolutely care about and that is soccer. you can go ahead and say that playing the sport myself has influenced me to take a particular liking to it but also an understanding of the sport and since it is the world cup it is only fair that i blog about my team. the small yet humble country of 3 million people that is known as Uruguay.

personally i don't remember much of my own country. i was brought to the lovely town of Kearny,New Jersey when i was approximately 5 ( my mom and i debate my age on a constant basis). i don't remember much but being younger i do remember my father who would bring me to the stadium to see some of the games. i was on his shoulders and i can't tell you who was playing but i do know i partook in that. still i didn't think much of soccer. i live with my mother now and as i became a freshman in high school my mother decided that i wasn't doing much physical activity and although my mother is from the lovely state of New York she takes pride in her Uruguayan ties. i was forced to play soccer. i was skeptical at first being quite honest and soon enough i learned basic skills and the rules and i made good friends. it just so happened it was the year of the world cup. my mom keeps me close to Uruguay by sometimes cooking Uruguayan food but my grandparents discuss the politics around me and my grandfather enforces that i only speak spanish around him since his english is not good. he does know english but around family he speaks spanish. i also made a friend on the team who was the best player and a die hard soccer fan

so i watched my first match and i was excited i began to learn the players name. at the time my most favorite player was diego forlan not only because he made the most goals but because he had these blue eyes and blonde hair that made him stand out from the team. my second favorite ( now my absolute first) was luis suarez and some of my others were diego lugano ( he always had this passion the field... he knew that our country was relying on him) and fernando muslera ( he's an amazing goalie). soon i would try and watch every single game... and i did. i began having my own pre game rituals...( which i still partake in) i listen to a certain song and i'd even paint my face sometimes.  well i became so passionate i'd play our national anthem all the time i'd beg my mom for a shirt and i learned all the players name. as we got closer and closer to the finals it was the game between Uruguay and Ghana and my favorite player Suarez blocked the ball with his hand. i was in shock and i admired his actions. i thought that what he did he did it for his team. Suarez has absolutely been the backbone to the Uruguayan soccer team. his passion is displayed on and off the field. anyways every win and every kick meant so much. i felt like then i really was embracing my ties to my country.

i feel that being in America for so long has impacted my ties to being Uruguayan and at times i forget the lovely country i am from. when i watch soccer i feel as if i am one with them. i celebrate my little accent (thankfully that i haven't lost).

but what i want to address is Suarez's actions in the game between Italy and Uruguay. he did get a four month suspension and my words probably don't change that. honestly it does not change how i view him. i feel that in times of desperation and on a world arena we all do things that are not a true reflection of who we are. however i still can defend the theory that it was an accident however this being not the first time i understand the punishment. was it excessive? yes. the man who broke neymar's vertabrea was not punished and he possibly could have ended neymar's career. all suarez did was leave a bite mark that was not huge and will not impact the players career.

anyways


the point of this blog is


that wherever you may be from or wherever you come from
cherish it
do things to make you feel closer to your culture
don't get lost in American culture
celebrate your own
it's something that makes you unique.

blog post six.

so i've gone through a course of many emotions in one day and i can't begin to explain them.

today my mom decided to take her boyfriends son and i to the park. 

i can't lie i was excited and that might seem odd for the age we're in, in which electronics dominate every aspect of our lives especially social media. 

however in that park i had the best memories. it was in those days where my problems were so small and i bought my old ipod with me which coincidentally hadn't been updated in forever. 

anyways as i swung back and forth i remember being in middle school and swinging with my best friend and having competitions as to who can swing the highest and her dad teaching us both how to get a high swing. i shared these memories with my mom's boyfriends son and it kinda came alive. 

the time i went before was after this amazing concert with my new best friend and it made me think of how much things really change. 

let's put it this way

the last time i was on that swing i was maybe 13 or 14  and my best friend was sitting next to me and we listened to our ipods and unplugged ourselves from the world. 

that time

i was no longer friends with the person i called my best friend. i was wearing a concert t-shirt from an artist i just met my first famous person and i had an entirely different best friend. 

it seemed odd how much one place can hold so many memories. it honestly made me miss those days. i listened to music and it made me reflect on so many things. it makes me sick swinging to be honest but i've been going on the swings for such a long time that i ignore it and i allow the wind to blow past my face and let every song lyric hit me. it feels nice.

my point is things change a lot of things can change from one day to another but your memories never do. of course they fade but they never change and you can't live in them but sometimes it's okay to. i lived in that moment with my best friend i don't think it'll ever be the same but it was something i didn't think much of that now i do.

cherish everything even the small things because sometimes their the things that keep you together. 

it's odd how much a old swing set can hold so many lessons and bring me closer to myself but it did, it honestly did. 

blog post five.

i have a lot to say.
a lot of words to add to this lovely compilation that is called my life.
i've been learning a lot about myself through the way i react to things. i know that many people out there have struggles and growing up writing about them was always my outlet. i keep a diary that has every sad emotion i've ever felt. writing about it has been the key for me to move on from one page to the next in my life. perhaps people have different outlets of releasing emotions. there's a contructive way and a destructive way.

i not only wrote i drew and i sang. yes that included every justin bieber or taylor swift song that could possibly make me feel better. if i felt i could, i'd talk about it. my friends are honestly the best listeners. they listen to my long rambles from serious things to the most craziest ideas that come through my mind. i honestly am super thankful for them

but like i mentioned there's also destructive ways of releasing emotions that involve cutting and self harm. i can't say that i look at someone differently for doing. we all fight our own battles. we all have our own scars and we all face things with different prespectives. what i am about to say is redundant but there are other ways of letting go. believe me i know that cutting makes you feel in control of whatever you're going through but it's not the solution. it's a permanent fix ( scars) to a temporary problem. i know what it's like to go through the course of many emotions not that i can sit here and complain to you about my life, but i do not have the perfect life. i have my own things that i face. it's the way you face them that defines you. i understand those people who cut because they're afraid of telling people and i can indirectly relate seeing that i do not like telling my friends about all my problems. but sometimes they're the best outlet and if they're not because i can't tell them i write.

i even turned my emotions into poems. i have many friends who have done things like self harm and what i want people to understand is that they're will always be someone you can even contact me. i'm not judgemental i don't lead the perfect life so i'm noone to judge anyone.

then there's this other debate that crosses my mind.....
it's whether those battles or wounds or scars shape who you are.
it's whether they change you ...
i honestly couldn't tell you if after the things i've gone through in these 4 years of high school have changed me. i don't know if i'm the same person.
my mother argues that no one ever changes. my thing is perhaps a persons essence never changes but perhaps the experiences that  you go through ( every war or battle) is what makes you a different person. maybe a friend lying makes you less trusting
or maybe losing a friend due to them moving makes you stronger
or maybe something that happened to you makes you want to change the world and help those who go through the same thing.

maybe it's just me but i think what i have gone through which one day i'll be strong enough to discuss is what made me stronger. i learned to value my friendships. i learned to be stronger. i learned that family is important. i also would do anything to start awareness for what those who are close to me have gone through.

the power of all the things that shape you is your choice.
you can make them something positive or negative but whatever it is please be strong.
please let it change you to be a better person even if it's hard
and if it doesn't try to find a way to release it.
life's too short.

if you ever need anyone i'm here.

blog post four.

i know that you guys don't know a whole lot about me unless you're one of my friends and you're reading this. the thing is i'm graduating in less than four days. a lot of questions have been asked about my  future but it's all still a question mark to me. a lot of things have been question marks lately and it's hard to accept a little but in my previous blog i'm trying to cope with it.

however the biggest question mark on my mind is how i am going to cope with losing my high school friends. it's known that in college you make most of your lifelong friends, but let's face it i love all my high school friends. they all contribute something different in my life. i can't imagine going forth in my journey without them.
the theme for this blog is going to be rather simple: letting go.

i had a friendship i shared for six years. ever since i moved to this lovely state surrounded by trees ( note my sarcasm). she brought this light to it. she made me laugh and we shared everything together. we shared laughs, crushes and secrets. ask me a year and a half ago and i would've told you that we would've been friends forever. i would've told you that we were gonna stay friends forever that college and life was no match for our bond. we had it all planned out. we even swore that i would be the godmother to her kids and she would be the godmother to mine.

well one day we had a little fight and believe me i thought and i still think the whole argument was a stupid reason to end a friendship. but the point is if you know me you'll know that for me people and things are hard for me to let go of. i didn't let go of anyone when i moved from the north to the south. i loved everyone so much and it was something hard so when i was dealt with losing the person who knows me fully and accepts for who i was it was probably one of the hardest things i've gone through. i used to cry randomly and i wouldn't accept it. i didn't want to. until one day i grew sick of crying and i began thinking there was something wrong with me. i didn't know that it was all normal because i've never fully lost someone that close to me and even people who were minor still hurt letting go of.

the thing was that following that , i opened my eyes. i saw all these beautiful friendships i have. through all the tears and all the hurting i had so many friends who surrounded me with love and support. i saw other friendships that i have and i'm so grateful for that. things got better but before anything gets better it ultimately has to get worse and i know that. the thing about a friendship at first i kinda wished she would go away but we share the same school.

i accepted the tears and i accepted the hurt and i somehow gained even more friends than i had.

the thing was..... now i wish her nothing but the best. i hope that she accomplishes everything she wants to. she's always going to be a part of me growing up and you know what ...i'm  grateful i couldn't have chosen a better person to share so many memories with. i still laugh at several of them and before when i used to bring them up in a conversation i would get angry with myself and tell myself  "she's not your friend anymore remember" because subconciously my words still called her my friends. gradually i stopped bringing her up in conversation and not because i told myself not to but because i began forming all these amazing memories with these amazing people who form a part of my life... so to let go of them now you can imagine is hard and a little devastating but i wish them all the best because every single one of them has something to offer this world as they offered me. each one of them are amazing in their own unique way and i know that we'll always have those laughs and memories we shared just as i know with my old best friend.


as i contemplated whether i should write my old best friend a senior letter i wasn't sure but if she's reading this right now i said all i wanted to say and if life somehow makes our paths cross i hope that we can simply reminisce about all the laughs we shared. i believe in you all and if we're still friends in college or if we aren't i wish you all nothing but the best in your futures. i really wish you all knew how much you mean to me. i'm super grateful. and in the words of the amazing Dr. Seuss

" don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
or now that we're graduating

" you're off to great places!
today is your day!
your mountain is waiting,
so... get on your way!” 

xoxo

jackie

blog post three.

twelve of may two thousand fourteen

here we go again.

so the past two blogs have not been current and this one will be, it will be my first ever blogger post on this actual site. exciting right? 

so as i said before my main goal in writing is that someone can relate to it. that in a way my many odd, sad, happy or exciting experiences can help some reader piece together their own life.

to some  of my friends, i seem to be the person who has it all together. most of the times i don't. a lot of my life has been simply me figuring out as i go. i do think of my consequences and my decisions and the impact they will have on other people, however as much as i would want to have it pieced together perfectly... i don't

the girl you see with the perfect boyfriend and grades may have family problems. the girl with the latest clothing and latest phone might have parents who just give her material needs but not affection.

i fall under that category of being one of those who can paint a pretty picture for everyone and force a smile when necessary and let's face it what teenager actually shows all their true emotions on a day to day basis.

a lot of people don't know but i was bullied throughout elementary school and middle school. it was at those times that my self esteem was down. i only had one best friend in middle school and if anything relying on one person with all your emotions is not exactly healthy because you give that one person a lot of power in hurting you. as most middle school girls we had our own fair share of arguments and i felt so alone. but that's besides the point. i didn't like myself not interior but exterior. i didn't like the way i looked. i didn't like the way i felt about myself. the thing was i had this ability to smile and laugh, i seemed perfectly fine.. but i honestly wasn't. i wasn't happy with myself. the deeper i got the more i would eat. i would eat because mentally i would convince myself what is the point on stopping? what is going to change if i have a bite ?

people have the ability of jumping to conclusions on what everyone's life is like by glancing at them. in my perspective as much as we want to believe that the girl with the hot boyfriend and the new iphone has it all she really doesn't. because we don't all have it all ?we don't have the power by looking at someone to know everything they are going through.
we make judgments on exterior's its human nature to categorize people but before you go and say that this person has it all, you need to actually know the person.
don't get me wrong.

i can't complain about my life and the way i live and the people i surround myself with. i love them all in so many ways but i can't sit here and tell you that i live the perfect life. i have my own struggles. my self esteem isn't one of them because i made the effort in changing that. but i do still have my own emotions i go through not everything we see is perfect. i can't sit here and be hypocritical and say that i haven't thought that someone had it all. i actually have. i see the girls in my school with the boyfriends and the cars. i don't envy but i do honestly think wow they must really have everything they could possibly want. but how can i as a outsider honestly believe that when i don't know this person.

we all have something going on whether it's pressure or family or friends or drama. each one of us has a struggle and each journey you take and each problem you face makes you stronger. a canvas might be seemingly perfect but it also might have hidden splotches the artist hid so the viewer can't see. and in a sense the canvas we paint is what we want everyone to see because displaying our emotions can make us seemingly vulnerable and weak. i don't blame us all for painting smiles and laughing because i do it too. i hide the things i go through because i don't want my friends to think i'm weak.

you can argue that i said " i surround myself with good people". yes i do and i could tell them everything and i know they would listen but the thing is what i'm trying to get at here is that painting a facade is so much easier. we don't let people in. we don't give them power in hurting us ( because we can't avoid human conflict) but the point is in this entire blog : never judge a book by it's cover.

never assume someone has it perfect because we don't.
at some point the facade can trick anyone anymore and we all lean on someone but never the stranger who can see you in a hallway or on a street, so to the public eye you can seem perfectly normal but have a  war inside.

at the end of the day it's who you count on that really matters and if you're as reserved as myself and you can paint the pretty picture of being okay most of the time, that means the person you depend on is someone really trustworthy.

i don't want this to be interpreted as me endorsing hiding your emotions, i don't. this is me acknowledging those who can hide it and paint a pretty picture when in reality it isn't so pretty and attacking a common belief that of someone having everything. if you're completely transparent and you trust everyone more power to you! but if you're like most of us you fear judgement and vulnerability drawing a smile on your face is so much easier then getting the unexpected result.

don't judge until you know.
xoxo,

jackie.

blog post two.

twelve of april two thousand fourteen

hello, i haven't done a blog since last year. if anyone has actually been keeping up with my page (which i doubt) then i apologize ( just in case).

if any of you know me well , not a lot of you do. then you'll know my next year at this time. i will be in college. sounds lovely right? freedom and the ability to not be micromanaged by your parents. it's not all that great.

the applying process is stressful.
but this blog isn't aimed at the struggles of applying for college cause that would be flat out boring.

at the age of five a little girl who danced in the kitchen had a dream of being a popstar. she had an american idol karaoke machine and stole her mother's michael jackson cd. she thought that she would sell out arena's and be known worldwide.

that girl was me and that dream stuck with me. anyways you're probably wondering why am i not doing what i want to do? right well it's a simple answer: i can't sing. no one had the heart of telling me i couldn't

i once read an article about how people often times hear their voice the way they want to hear it as supposed to reality. well that's me.
i thought i was wonderful however absolutely terrified of singing in front of people. i made honor chorus (b/c they didn't have people) and the talent show (b/c it was a duet) anyways, my point in this is.

i'm a dreamer. i have the craziest ideas floating in my mind and i have to conform them for college right? and not knowing what you want in college is frustrating. i gave up the dream of singing because i realizied it was a dream that wasn't meant for me and i don't mean to ruin your disney fantasies about making your dreams come true. that isn't my intention. i'm a firm believer that if you put work into something it will pay back. believe me.
my point in this blog is to discuss how things don't always turn out how you want them to and that's a part of life. my mom and i have gotten into a series of arguements over this very subject. she rolls her eyes at my career options and i know she doesn't do it to be mean just simply because she wants me to have a secure future.

the thing is as i mentioned before. i'm the biggest dreamer. i have the biggest imagination and i can't see myself in a average job and that might be my biggest downfall in the future but what i'm getting at is that there's a divide between being a dreamer and reality.

i know i can't sing but i also know that i want to work with musically gifted people. i want to know what floats around their mind when they pen a song or what is the message of their album.
i can't lie the little girl with the american idol karaoke machine still exists within me
she comes alive and she doesn't care if she can't sing.

maybe this blog post is unclear because honestly as much as i want to paint you and myself a clear picture of my future i can't. i've gone through a lot figuring it out. 

i don't want anyone to feel bad for not knowing what they want to do.
i know how it is everyone's like : i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer but it's okay to not know.

believe me a lot of people have told me it's okay to not know (it's hard to believe) but you'll get through it.

i'm still learning about it.

xoxo.

jackie

blog post one.

third of janurary two thousand fourteen

so i'd like to begin blogging and i'm not exactly sure in what i'm trying to accomplish in this. i hope it doesn't end up being long rants.

have you ever felt alone as if no one understood you? we all tend to feel that way at times so i figured that maybe if i share how i encounter my own teenage life someone could relate and possibly say "i'm not so alone" and perhaps that is what i'm trying to accomplish or maybe piece together my own life experiences.

so as you all know from my prior posts i met a boy. and of course like most girls or prior crushes of my own i thought he was "different". he also read the fault in our stars and we enjoyed a lovely conversation. he gave me a hug. he helped me in math , the whole nine yards. and you're probably wondering what i'm trying to get at here.

but let me begin by explaining that i'm usually the girl who's way too busy for guys and that i don't let boys consume me. but he did he honestly did. i even changed a little but i'm probably missing the most important part of the story where multiple people tell the girl to stay away from the boy because he's no good and she didn't listen of course. i'd usually be the girl telling the friend to stay away and wonder why she isn't listening to me but now i found myself at the other end of the stick as the girl who wouldn't stay away even if her best friends told her he was no good.

well since i met this boy he did bring out some good it wasn't entirely crushing or heart breaking as a matter of fact i acknowledge the fact that i'm at the point where the girl is first broken by him but she still believes he's different and my mind knows he isn't but the heart wants what it wants.
but anyways back to the changes. i stopped obsessing over harry styles. i have nothing against being a total fan girl but it was so good to have something real even if it was for a moment. it was good not reading imagines or knowing where harry styles was at every moment and what he was doing or who he was doing it with and that was good too i actually lived my life and i was 

 not obsessing over a boyband was a good thing. i can only take away good things. even if he might not like me. even if it wasn't meant to be.

he had me fooled and it was so consuming i wish i could describe it any other way but that's the only word. every song and it wasn't quite like any other boy but it was so good to focus on school .