blog post four.

i know that you guys don't know a whole lot about me unless you're one of my friends and you're reading this. the thing is i'm graduating in less than four days. a lot of questions have been asked about my  future but it's all still a question mark to me. a lot of things have been question marks lately and it's hard to accept a little but in my previous blog i'm trying to cope with it.

however the biggest question mark on my mind is how i am going to cope with losing my high school friends. it's known that in college you make most of your lifelong friends, but let's face it i love all my high school friends. they all contribute something different in my life. i can't imagine going forth in my journey without them.
the theme for this blog is going to be rather simple: letting go.

i had a friendship i shared for six years. ever since i moved to this lovely state surrounded by trees ( note my sarcasm). she brought this light to it. she made me laugh and we shared everything together. we shared laughs, crushes and secrets. ask me a year and a half ago and i would've told you that we would've been friends forever. i would've told you that we were gonna stay friends forever that college and life was no match for our bond. we had it all planned out. we even swore that i would be the godmother to her kids and she would be the godmother to mine.

well one day we had a little fight and believe me i thought and i still think the whole argument was a stupid reason to end a friendship. but the point is if you know me you'll know that for me people and things are hard for me to let go of. i didn't let go of anyone when i moved from the north to the south. i loved everyone so much and it was something hard so when i was dealt with losing the person who knows me fully and accepts for who i was it was probably one of the hardest things i've gone through. i used to cry randomly and i wouldn't accept it. i didn't want to. until one day i grew sick of crying and i began thinking there was something wrong with me. i didn't know that it was all normal because i've never fully lost someone that close to me and even people who were minor still hurt letting go of.

the thing was that following that , i opened my eyes. i saw all these beautiful friendships i have. through all the tears and all the hurting i had so many friends who surrounded me with love and support. i saw other friendships that i have and i'm so grateful for that. things got better but before anything gets better it ultimately has to get worse and i know that. the thing about a friendship at first i kinda wished she would go away but we share the same school.

i accepted the tears and i accepted the hurt and i somehow gained even more friends than i had.

the thing was..... now i wish her nothing but the best. i hope that she accomplishes everything she wants to. she's always going to be a part of me growing up and you know what ...i'm  grateful i couldn't have chosen a better person to share so many memories with. i still laugh at several of them and before when i used to bring them up in a conversation i would get angry with myself and tell myself  "she's not your friend anymore remember" because subconciously my words still called her my friends. gradually i stopped bringing her up in conversation and not because i told myself not to but because i began forming all these amazing memories with these amazing people who form a part of my life... so to let go of them now you can imagine is hard and a little devastating but i wish them all the best because every single one of them has something to offer this world as they offered me. each one of them are amazing in their own unique way and i know that we'll always have those laughs and memories we shared just as i know with my old best friend.


as i contemplated whether i should write my old best friend a senior letter i wasn't sure but if she's reading this right now i said all i wanted to say and if life somehow makes our paths cross i hope that we can simply reminisce about all the laughs we shared. i believe in you all and if we're still friends in college or if we aren't i wish you all nothing but the best in your futures. i really wish you all knew how much you mean to me. i'm super grateful. and in the words of the amazing Dr. Seuss

" don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
or now that we're graduating

" you're off to great places!
today is your day!
your mountain is waiting,
so... get on your way!” 

xoxo

jackie

blog post three.

twelve of may two thousand fourteen

here we go again.

so the past two blogs have not been current and this one will be, it will be my first ever blogger post on this actual site. exciting right? 

so as i said before my main goal in writing is that someone can relate to it. that in a way my many odd, sad, happy or exciting experiences can help some reader piece together their own life.

to some  of my friends, i seem to be the person who has it all together. most of the times i don't. a lot of my life has been simply me figuring out as i go. i do think of my consequences and my decisions and the impact they will have on other people, however as much as i would want to have it pieced together perfectly... i don't

the girl you see with the perfect boyfriend and grades may have family problems. the girl with the latest clothing and latest phone might have parents who just give her material needs but not affection.

i fall under that category of being one of those who can paint a pretty picture for everyone and force a smile when necessary and let's face it what teenager actually shows all their true emotions on a day to day basis.

a lot of people don't know but i was bullied throughout elementary school and middle school. it was at those times that my self esteem was down. i only had one best friend in middle school and if anything relying on one person with all your emotions is not exactly healthy because you give that one person a lot of power in hurting you. as most middle school girls we had our own fair share of arguments and i felt so alone. but that's besides the point. i didn't like myself not interior but exterior. i didn't like the way i looked. i didn't like the way i felt about myself. the thing was i had this ability to smile and laugh, i seemed perfectly fine.. but i honestly wasn't. i wasn't happy with myself. the deeper i got the more i would eat. i would eat because mentally i would convince myself what is the point on stopping? what is going to change if i have a bite ?

people have the ability of jumping to conclusions on what everyone's life is like by glancing at them. in my perspective as much as we want to believe that the girl with the hot boyfriend and the new iphone has it all she really doesn't. because we don't all have it all ?we don't have the power by looking at someone to know everything they are going through.
we make judgments on exterior's its human nature to categorize people but before you go and say that this person has it all, you need to actually know the person.
don't get me wrong.

i can't complain about my life and the way i live and the people i surround myself with. i love them all in so many ways but i can't sit here and tell you that i live the perfect life. i have my own struggles. my self esteem isn't one of them because i made the effort in changing that. but i do still have my own emotions i go through not everything we see is perfect. i can't sit here and be hypocritical and say that i haven't thought that someone had it all. i actually have. i see the girls in my school with the boyfriends and the cars. i don't envy but i do honestly think wow they must really have everything they could possibly want. but how can i as a outsider honestly believe that when i don't know this person.

we all have something going on whether it's pressure or family or friends or drama. each one of us has a struggle and each journey you take and each problem you face makes you stronger. a canvas might be seemingly perfect but it also might have hidden splotches the artist hid so the viewer can't see. and in a sense the canvas we paint is what we want everyone to see because displaying our emotions can make us seemingly vulnerable and weak. i don't blame us all for painting smiles and laughing because i do it too. i hide the things i go through because i don't want my friends to think i'm weak.

you can argue that i said " i surround myself with good people". yes i do and i could tell them everything and i know they would listen but the thing is what i'm trying to get at here is that painting a facade is so much easier. we don't let people in. we don't give them power in hurting us ( because we can't avoid human conflict) but the point is in this entire blog : never judge a book by it's cover.

never assume someone has it perfect because we don't.
at some point the facade can trick anyone anymore and we all lean on someone but never the stranger who can see you in a hallway or on a street, so to the public eye you can seem perfectly normal but have a  war inside.

at the end of the day it's who you count on that really matters and if you're as reserved as myself and you can paint the pretty picture of being okay most of the time, that means the person you depend on is someone really trustworthy.

i don't want this to be interpreted as me endorsing hiding your emotions, i don't. this is me acknowledging those who can hide it and paint a pretty picture when in reality it isn't so pretty and attacking a common belief that of someone having everything. if you're completely transparent and you trust everyone more power to you! but if you're like most of us you fear judgement and vulnerability drawing a smile on your face is so much easier then getting the unexpected result.

don't judge until you know.
xoxo,

jackie.

blog post two.

twelve of april two thousand fourteen

hello, i haven't done a blog since last year. if anyone has actually been keeping up with my page (which i doubt) then i apologize ( just in case).

if any of you know me well , not a lot of you do. then you'll know my next year at this time. i will be in college. sounds lovely right? freedom and the ability to not be micromanaged by your parents. it's not all that great.

the applying process is stressful.
but this blog isn't aimed at the struggles of applying for college cause that would be flat out boring.

at the age of five a little girl who danced in the kitchen had a dream of being a popstar. she had an american idol karaoke machine and stole her mother's michael jackson cd. she thought that she would sell out arena's and be known worldwide.

that girl was me and that dream stuck with me. anyways you're probably wondering why am i not doing what i want to do? right well it's a simple answer: i can't sing. no one had the heart of telling me i couldn't

i once read an article about how people often times hear their voice the way they want to hear it as supposed to reality. well that's me.
i thought i was wonderful however absolutely terrified of singing in front of people. i made honor chorus (b/c they didn't have people) and the talent show (b/c it was a duet) anyways, my point in this is.

i'm a dreamer. i have the craziest ideas floating in my mind and i have to conform them for college right? and not knowing what you want in college is frustrating. i gave up the dream of singing because i realizied it was a dream that wasn't meant for me and i don't mean to ruin your disney fantasies about making your dreams come true. that isn't my intention. i'm a firm believer that if you put work into something it will pay back. believe me.
my point in this blog is to discuss how things don't always turn out how you want them to and that's a part of life. my mom and i have gotten into a series of arguements over this very subject. she rolls her eyes at my career options and i know she doesn't do it to be mean just simply because she wants me to have a secure future.

the thing is as i mentioned before. i'm the biggest dreamer. i have the biggest imagination and i can't see myself in a average job and that might be my biggest downfall in the future but what i'm getting at is that there's a divide between being a dreamer and reality.

i know i can't sing but i also know that i want to work with musically gifted people. i want to know what floats around their mind when they pen a song or what is the message of their album.
i can't lie the little girl with the american idol karaoke machine still exists within me
she comes alive and she doesn't care if she can't sing.

maybe this blog post is unclear because honestly as much as i want to paint you and myself a clear picture of my future i can't. i've gone through a lot figuring it out. 

i don't want anyone to feel bad for not knowing what they want to do.
i know how it is everyone's like : i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer but it's okay to not know.

believe me a lot of people have told me it's okay to not know (it's hard to believe) but you'll get through it.

i'm still learning about it.

xoxo.

jackie

blog post one.

third of janurary two thousand fourteen

so i'd like to begin blogging and i'm not exactly sure in what i'm trying to accomplish in this. i hope it doesn't end up being long rants.

have you ever felt alone as if no one understood you? we all tend to feel that way at times so i figured that maybe if i share how i encounter my own teenage life someone could relate and possibly say "i'm not so alone" and perhaps that is what i'm trying to accomplish or maybe piece together my own life experiences.

so as you all know from my prior posts i met a boy. and of course like most girls or prior crushes of my own i thought he was "different". he also read the fault in our stars and we enjoyed a lovely conversation. he gave me a hug. he helped me in math , the whole nine yards. and you're probably wondering what i'm trying to get at here.

but let me begin by explaining that i'm usually the girl who's way too busy for guys and that i don't let boys consume me. but he did he honestly did. i even changed a little but i'm probably missing the most important part of the story where multiple people tell the girl to stay away from the boy because he's no good and she didn't listen of course. i'd usually be the girl telling the friend to stay away and wonder why she isn't listening to me but now i found myself at the other end of the stick as the girl who wouldn't stay away even if her best friends told her he was no good.

well since i met this boy he did bring out some good it wasn't entirely crushing or heart breaking as a matter of fact i acknowledge the fact that i'm at the point where the girl is first broken by him but she still believes he's different and my mind knows he isn't but the heart wants what it wants.
but anyways back to the changes. i stopped obsessing over harry styles. i have nothing against being a total fan girl but it was so good to have something real even if it was for a moment. it was good not reading imagines or knowing where harry styles was at every moment and what he was doing or who he was doing it with and that was good too i actually lived my life and i was 

 not obsessing over a boyband was a good thing. i can only take away good things. even if he might not like me. even if it wasn't meant to be.

he had me fooled and it was so consuming i wish i could describe it any other way but that's the only word. every song and it wasn't quite like any other boy but it was so good to focus on school .