Monday, May 12, 2014

blog post three.

twelve of may two thousand fourteen

here we go again.
so the past two blogs have not been current and this one will be, it will be my first ever blogger post on this actual site. exciting right? 
so as i said before my main goal in writing is that someone can relate to it. that in a way my many odd, sad, happy or exciting experiences can help some reader piece together their own life.

to some  of my friends, i seem to be the person who has it all together. most of the times i don't. a lot of my life has been simply me figuring out as i go. i do think of my consequences and my decisions and the impact they will have on other people, however as much as i would want to have it pieced together perfectly... i don't

the girl you see with the perfect boyfriend and grades may have family problems. the girl with the latest clothing and latest phone might have parents who just give her material needs but not affection.

i fall under that category of being one of those who can paint a pretty picture for everyone and force a smile when necessary and let's face it what teenager actually shows all their true emotions on a day to day basis.

a lot of people don't know but i was bullied throughout elementary school and middle school. it was at those times that my self esteem was down. i only had one best friend in middle school and if anything relying on one person with all your emotions is not exactly healthy because you give that one person a lot of power in hurting you. as most middle school girls we had our own fair share of arguments and i felt so alone. but that's besides the point. i didn't like myself not interior but exterior. i didn't like the way i looked. i didn't like the way i felt about myself. the thing was i had this ability to smile and laugh, i seemed perfectly fine.. but i honestly wasn't. i wasn't happy with myself. the deeper i got the more i would eat. i would eat because mentally i would convince myself what is the point on stopping? what is going to change if i have a bite ?

people have the ability of jumping to conclusions on what everyone's life is like by glancing at them. in my perspective as much as we want to believe that the girl with the hot boyfriend and the new iphone has it all she really doesn't. because we don't all have it all ?we don't have the power by looking at someone to know everything they are going through.
we make judgments on exterior's its human nature to categorize people but before you go and say that this person has it all, you need to actually know the person.
don't get me wrong.

i can't complain about my life and the way i live and the people i surround myself with. i love them all in so many ways but i can't sit here and tell you that i live the perfect life. i have my own struggles. my self esteem isn't one of them because i made the effort in changing that. but i do still have my own emotions i go through not everything we see is perfect. i can't sit here and be hypocritical and say that i haven't thought that someone had it all. i actually have. i see the girls in my school with the boyfriends and the cars. i don't envy but i do honestly think wow they must really have everything they could possibly want. but how can i as a outsider honestly believe that when i don't know this person.

we all have something going on whether it's pressure or family or friends or drama. each one of us has a struggle and each journey you take and each problem you face makes you stronger. a canvas might be seemingly perfect but it also might have hidden splotches the artist hid so the viewer can't see. and in a sense the canvas we paint is what we want everyone to see because displaying our emotions can make us seemingly vulnerable and weak. i don't blame us all for painting smiles and laughing because i do it too. i hide the things i go through because i don't want my friends to think i'm weak.

you can argue that i said " i surround myself with good people". yes i do and i could tell them everything and i know they would listen but the thing is what i'm trying to get at here is that painting a facade is so much easier. we don't let people in. we don't give them power in hurting us ( because we can't avoid human conflict) but the point is in this entire blog : never judge a book by it's cover.

never assume someone has it perfect because we don't.
at some point the facade can trick anyone anymore and we all lean on someone but never the stranger who can see you in a hallway or on a street, so to the public eye you can seem perfectly normal but have a  war inside.

at the end of the day it's who you count on that really matters and if you're as reserved as myself and you can paint the pretty picture of being okay most of the time, that means the person you depend on is someone really trustworthy.

i don't want this to be interpreted as me endorsing hiding your emotions, i don't. this is me acknowledging those who can hide it and paint a pretty picture when in reality it isn't so pretty and attacking a common belief that of someone having everything. if you're completely transparent and you trust everyone more power to you! but if you're like most of us you fear judgement and vulnerability drawing a smile on your face is so much easier then getting the unexpected result.

don't judge until you know.


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