blog post six.

so i've gone through a course of many emotions in one day and i can't begin to explain them.

today my mom decided to take her boyfriends son and i to the park. 

i can't lie i was excited and that might seem odd for the age we're in, in which electronics dominate every aspect of our lives especially social media. 

however in that park i had the best memories. it was in those days where my problems were so small and i bought my old ipod with me which coincidentally hadn't been updated in forever. 

anyways as i swung back and forth i remember being in middle school and swinging with my best friend and having competitions as to who can swing the highest and her dad teaching us both how to get a high swing. i shared these memories with my mom's boyfriends son and it kinda came alive. 

the time i went before was after this amazing concert with my new best friend and it made me think of how much things really change. 

let's put it this way

the last time i was on that swing i was maybe 13 or 14  and my best friend was sitting next to me and we listened to our ipods and unplugged ourselves from the world. 

that time

i was no longer friends with the person i called my best friend. i was wearing a concert t-shirt from an artist i just met my first famous person and i had an entirely different best friend. 

it seemed odd how much one place can hold so many memories. it honestly made me miss those days. i listened to music and it made me reflect on so many things. it makes me sick swinging to be honest but i've been going on the swings for such a long time that i ignore it and i allow the wind to blow past my face and let every song lyric hit me. it feels nice.

my point is things change a lot of things can change from one day to another but your memories never do. of course they fade but they never change and you can't live in them but sometimes it's okay to. i lived in that moment with my best friend i don't think it'll ever be the same but it was something i didn't think much of that now i do.

cherish everything even the small things because sometimes their the things that keep you together. 

it's odd how much a old swing set can hold so many lessons and bring me closer to myself but it did, it honestly did. 

blog post five.

i have a lot to say.
a lot of words to add to this lovely compilation that is called my life.
i've been learning a lot about myself through the way i react to things. i know that many people out there have struggles and growing up writing about them was always my outlet. i keep a diary that has every sad emotion i've ever felt. writing about it has been the key for me to move on from one page to the next in my life. perhaps people have different outlets of releasing emotions. there's a contructive way and a destructive way.

i not only wrote i drew and i sang. yes that included every justin bieber or taylor swift song that could possibly make me feel better. if i felt i could, i'd talk about it. my friends are honestly the best listeners. they listen to my long rambles from serious things to the most craziest ideas that come through my mind. i honestly am super thankful for them

but like i mentioned there's also destructive ways of releasing emotions that involve cutting and self harm. i can't say that i look at someone differently for doing. we all fight our own battles. we all have our own scars and we all face things with different prespectives. what i am about to say is redundant but there are other ways of letting go. believe me i know that cutting makes you feel in control of whatever you're going through but it's not the solution. it's a permanent fix ( scars) to a temporary problem. i know what it's like to go through the course of many emotions not that i can sit here and complain to you about my life, but i do not have the perfect life. i have my own things that i face. it's the way you face them that defines you. i understand those people who cut because they're afraid of telling people and i can indirectly relate seeing that i do not like telling my friends about all my problems. but sometimes they're the best outlet and if they're not because i can't tell them i write.

i even turned my emotions into poems. i have many friends who have done things like self harm and what i want people to understand is that they're will always be someone you can even contact me. i'm not judgemental i don't lead the perfect life so i'm noone to judge anyone.

then there's this other debate that crosses my mind.....
it's whether those battles or wounds or scars shape who you are.
it's whether they change you ...
i honestly couldn't tell you if after the things i've gone through in these 4 years of high school have changed me. i don't know if i'm the same person.
my mother argues that no one ever changes. my thing is perhaps a persons essence never changes but perhaps the experiences that  you go through ( every war or battle) is what makes you a different person. maybe a friend lying makes you less trusting
or maybe losing a friend due to them moving makes you stronger
or maybe something that happened to you makes you want to change the world and help those who go through the same thing.

maybe it's just me but i think what i have gone through which one day i'll be strong enough to discuss is what made me stronger. i learned to value my friendships. i learned to be stronger. i learned that family is important. i also would do anything to start awareness for what those who are close to me have gone through.

the power of all the things that shape you is your choice.
you can make them something positive or negative but whatever it is please be strong.
please let it change you to be a better person even if it's hard
and if it doesn't try to find a way to release it.
life's too short.

if you ever need anyone i'm here.