Sunday, December 6, 2015

Why I hate emotions...

I always do a post on the week of finals, it's become tradition. Probably because I can reflect on my semester.. I think there's a beauty in it all. I don't know. I think it's the ability to look back and maybe learn something about yourself you didn't know 5 months ago. It's the beauty of being able to look into your friends eyes and be like "You've been there with me through these insane 5 months" the thing is, this blog is about goodbyes, emotions, and maybe what I learned. It'll come in parts so please excuse the change of topics.

I am excited for next semester and I learned that my emotions overpower me. They control me, they sometimes hurt me, they basically don't allow me to think things logically. I have the worst temper and it's such a weakness. God's grace is going to shape me into who I want to be. My emotions seem to control my mood and I wish I could be happy all the time. I wish I could put an ocean between myself and my emotions.

Anyways I can't stress the power of the Lord enough, it's so powerful. I've been spending my last three days as a recluse (okay maybe not that extreme) but I've been in books and stuDYING. As I study, I listen to break up songs and they all have the same connotation "I'm not thinking about this person, because they did {insert wrongful doing here}. Yeah, BUT if you weren't really thinking about them then what is the song even about? Clearly when you sang it or wrote it you reflected on your past. That's besides the point. I'm not really sure at the moment how I feel about absolutely anything. In my heart I want closure from my emotions but at the same time I'll miss them... a lot. I'll miss it so much I won't know. I know in my heart that God is all I need. He is. When I call him, he's here. He's with me right now. He knows what I want to tell you, or how I want to guide you.

My point is that on this very Sunday, I was presented with a problem. My study buddy was having boy problems and it seemed like I had an honest input. She liked a boy, who just got out of a relationship a week ago. He was basically into her but at the same time still hurt. I mean they dated 2-3 years, how does one get over that? I offered her my input. I told her she was worth someone who would wait instead of using her as an emotional crutch. She expressed her fears, that she felt unworthy and that what if that's all there really was left for her. That caused me to reflect on my own life. Here I was telling her to let him go because she was worthy of so much more. BUT was I thinking the same about myself? Am I worth more than what I'm getting?

The answer to my own question is yes. I am currently striving to be the virtuous woman. I am striving for success, not with a man but with God. Yes, right now at this very moment it's hard for me to say those words to myself because my heart is entangled in the wrong things but keyword: striving. I am striving. I am learning to love myself for who I am and with that comes with knowing your own worth. You are worthy of a text back,  you are worthy of a "goodnight" of a "good morning". You are worthy of someone who will absolutely make your world spin and make things easier. You, my reader are worthy of someone who will make your problems theirs. You are worthy of the most extreme dedicated form of love there is. God made us all with this potential. Never think less of yourself. God knows your purpose, he knows you, he loves you beyond the way you love yourself. You could fall 50 times and God will help you get up 1,000 times more.

Ladies, I don't care who he is or what he does but if you're settling I want you to ask yourself, IS this what I am worthy of? Is this the person God wants me to be with? I want you, I dare you to rethink your life and get out of those temporary relationships that leave you wanting a emotional crutch. I know I have a lot to learn and I am so far from this but typing these words on this screen could help me execute them. I am done with settling. I am done with losing but I am also done with not putting God first in all my relationships. Trust in his will. Look at male companions as friends and allow the Lord to do his will.

Don't hate your emotions even though I did when I wrote this, love them because they mean you're alive. We have this ability to feel, to love deeply, to laugh whole heartedly and as much as the wrong guy  can invoke hatred for your emotions. Use them and offer your emotions to God, allow him to give you joy with what he has given you and remember your prince might fall 50 times on his way but through God he will get up 1,000,000 times more for you and come after you. Through God all things are possible.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Things that are hard to talk about ....

Hello everyone,

I have previously, written about never judging a book by it's cover. Well, here I am ready to open many of the pages in my book that are behind my cover. If you saw me first glance, I would look like an average teenager with average problems, which is true. Just like you, I have struggles. Some that I don't really like to talk about. However, when I started this blog I wanted to have an honest open book sort of mindset with you all. That means I should open some of me, so that maybe you can relate and feel less alone because at one point no matter what we all feel alone. So let's not beat around the bush anymore.

When I was in my sophomore year of high school, my grandfather had been going to the hospital more than often. They kept looking at the scans of his lungs and diagnosing him with pneumonia. We didn't see it was a deeper problem because in both trips to the ER, they kept saying he had pneumonia. Things got worse and in that summer, my family decided it was best that we consult a lung specialist. I was there on that trip, and as instructed, I waited in the waiting room. I didn't think it was anything serious, I mean it couldn't be. However as my family walked out of the waiting room that day they had glum expressions on their faces. I wasn't told anything, we came in the same car and it was only silence on the way back. Of all the things in the world, it could've been the last thing in this world I thought it was actually was his diagnosis.

Before we go there, I would like to take it back to 2 years before this. Yes, it's a rather important piece of the story. My grandfather suffered a heart attack, my aunt called my mother and the next thing I knew I grabbed a book and ran out the door. I sat in a chair attempting to read but all I felt was this nervousness. My mother was in the room that had just a curtain as my grandfather was wheeled in. I didn't know that behind that curtain my grandfather was having a heart attack. The doctor acted quickly and gave him a shot that allowed his blood to flow through the clots ( excuse me for not having the proper terminology, I am not an expert in this). My grandfather committed to quit smoking, which was amazing for all of us.

So back to where we were, the last thing in the world I ever thought it could be was cancer. Truth was it was cancer. It was so bad they needed him In surgery quickly. So how did I find out? Well I'm getting teary eyed as I type this. I went in the car one day and there was a folder for cancer treatment. My mom at first tried to cover it up but finally she told me and I began to cry into a pillow. Truth is, things haven't been easy with my grandpa. My family isn't conventional, we never were and we never can be and as much as some of you have conventional families with your grandparents still married and your parents still together. Some of us don't have that. My grandparents divorced 25 years ago. So for the first 10 years of my life I have no recollection of my grandfather, partly because I lived far away in New Jersey. So then we moved but that proved to be complicated, I didn't see my grandpa very often.

After the heart attack everyone seemed to become closer, and visits were every week. We all learned in our own way to value my grandfather. People changed, and my grandfather did.  I can't complain about him as a grandfather. He is an amazing person with a rough upbringing and he had learned the value of hard work and labor at a young age. He is strong and through his strength he has taught me to be strong.

After the surgery, we were all hopeful. The cancer was gone, we could go back to not living in a hospital or in doctors waitings room fearing the worst but hoping for the best. We can finally breathe as a family. After several months, we found out the cancer came back. So here's what happens next, he was in no health to undergo another surgery so of course chemo was his next option. Chemo is literally the worst thing, and despite being just his granddaughter I had to was involved in the process because I was mature enough to. My heart would literally break each time I saw a nurse injecting him with chemo..Those chemicals had awful side effects on him, it's like literally injecting poison into your body. His hair was going away, he looked weak.

I didn't turn to friends, it was so much easier to say that on Friday i wasn't at chemo with my grandpa but rather just doing something else. As humans I don't think we were truly programmed or even taught how to handle when your friend tells you that a family member is battling cancer or anything for that matter. I mean people just can't empathize if they haven't experienced it. It's like at times we have this " better her/him than me" mentality and we undermine peoples problems what people don't understand is that that's what leaves us lonely, that's what makes us all truly feel as if we have absolutely no one. Because even as a family member of my grandfather I can't sit here and tell you those chemicals were in my body because they weren't. My little cousin was just born, my grandfather was probably thinking of how he wouldn't be a part of her life or what was he going to leave behind. He wasn't just okay with it. The funny thing about cancer is you can have it and not feel any different at all but it's the mental games that it plays on you.

Perhaps I have surrounded myself with the wrong friends, or maybe it's myself. At times I would pretend as if it wasn't there but if anything it was always there. It was always in his body, cancer would sometimes rob or give us all more time. The best comparison to having a family member with cancer that I can think of is a racquetball court, the court is the persons body, the cancer is the ball and the people fighting it alongside that person are the family and friends. We constantly hit the cancer with our rackets against the wall and it comes back and each time it does we hope we can hit it back before it hits the other side of the wall. The players just hope they can combat the ball and keep it away. No matter how many times you hit the ball constantly at some point it hits the other side, this discouragement sweeps through you and you don't know what to do. No matter the words you say to that person you love, who's a piece of your family nothing fixes it. It's not like you have a magical remote that allows you to transport yourself back in time and tell your loved ones to not smoke.

This past winter break the worst happened. My mother was experiencing fatigue and they found her to be anemic in a check up. She was in the hospital the week before winter break. Knowing it was my finals week, she assured me she was fine. She just needed testing.  I just got home from winter break when her boyfriend urged her to tell me. I thought when I broke down for my grandpa that was the worst but your own mother having to tell you she has cancer. I paced back and forth, I offered to shave my head with her, to drop out of college to stay with her, to care for her, just as she had done for me. She looked at me and said "No, the one thing I want you to do is study. I want you to keep studying. I worked hard so you could study. What am I going to do with you bald sitting here waiting on me?" We both cried but laughed at the same time. It was one of the hardest days in my life. She raised me on her own and to be honest with you I can't imagine my life without her. I love her more than anyone in this world and she had finally found happiness it just wasn't fair. Around the same time a doctor told my grandfather he had two months to live. This was hard, because two people I love, cherish and adore were facing this disease. I isolated myself. I didn't want to go out rather less be with any of my friends. All I wanted to do was watch TV, and sulk and I would begin to cry at random times because it was too painful not to think about. My grandfather was placed on a experimental drug with a new doctor around that time and the side effects weren't as bad and he seemed to be doing better. My mother refused to tell him that it was cancer. He was fighting his own battle and the last thing my mother wanted to do was make him weak to what she was going through.

I wasn't supposed to go to my mothers appointments, I didn't really get to go. The only solution was surgery. It was going to remove a huge part of her colon and honestly speaking I couldn't imagine what was next. God is so good, on the days I felt most alone, I know He was there. I know he was with me. We all attended my mothers iron transfusions and we all stood by, they lasted hours but she just needed it. It was either my blood or iron transfusions and I offered several times, however my mom didn't want that.

 My friends birthday was around the same time as my mom's diagnosis. I didn't want to go, she told me she understood if I didn't want to show up. She is one of my best friends in the world. Her name is Samantha. She didn't know what was going on because A) I didn't want to talk about it. B) Saying it, makes it real and I was not just easily accepting it. C) I didn't want my friends to feel any different around me. The thing was my mother urged me to go. Despite everything, she still hated seeing me sulking in the couch watching episodes of The Office. I went, and this is the crazy thing that happened. I got late to the party because I was helping my mothers boyfriend buy a gift for my own mothers birthday. It was honestly sad that her diagnosis came around the same time as her birthday. I walked in, late as usual. As soon as I get to my best friends living room everyone was sitting down but some of my good friends literally got up and ran to hug me. They didn't know, I didn't tell anyone. I knew for a fact this was a sign from God, it was his way of giving me a hug through them. It was his way of saying: You're not alone, I'm holding your hand and your mothers hand through this. It was one day, when I woke up early in the morning I heard my mother talking to one of her friends and she said to him: I have to stay strong for my daughter, and my father. After I hung up I told her, she had already been strong enough for me, that right now it was her turn to take both my grandfathers strength and my strength and be strong for the both of us. We both cried. We both cried a lot.

I prayed a lot and I did finally gather the courage to tell some of my most closest friends. They were as supportive as they could be. My mothers birthday did come around and it was one of the best ones yet. We had her friend over and my little cousins as well as my uncle and aunt and her boyfriend. We all just for a moment, forgot about it. It was like any family gathering. We took photos, cut a cake and my mom had gotten gifts from everyone. I actually painted her a canvas. Here's the one thing my mother wanted the most: To travel for Christmas. So we did, we all packed our bags and left. We headed to Tennessee. We went to Graceland and Beale Street. We had ribs, laughter and an outstanding time under Christmas lights. In those moments it was easy to forget, because regardless of everything my mother treated me no differently than usual. My mother did her best to forget about it, so we could all enjoy ourselves. That's her, this is a scenario to describe her. She is selfless. I aspire to be just as selfless as she is. Soon we migrated to Louisiana. Bourbon street is amazing. I highly recommend that anyone goes. Our hotel overlooked the city and it was so beautiful. Everything was so beautiful. My mom and I explored together, alongside her partner and it was the best feeling ever. We all just stayed so strong. One day my mother suggested we go to church and of course I wanted to go too. It was a beautiful Cathedral called St. Louis Cathedral. As I knelt down, I had this conversation with God and it drove me to tears and it was simply asking him for strength to help her. I was overwhelmed by his presence. It was like he was listening, we had this strong connection. I can't describe the feeling but he was assuring me again that I wasn't alone. I just laid it all in front of him. I shared with him my fears, I shared with him everything I was feeling. I knelt down before Him and I knew he would answer me. I didn't have any doubt.

My mom got an ear infection. It postponed the surgery a week back.  Which made me feel scared,What if the tumor grew? What if the infection grows and she can't get surgery? What if the doctor has to push it back again?. I knew I would be missing the first week of school. I honestly had no interest in anything school related. My mother was sick, I needed to be there for her. The day before her surgery I blasted music in my ears and talked to God. The music eased my nerves. I only slept 2 hours that night, if even. I woke up with my mom's voice telling me it was time. The surgery was at 6 am. At the hospital I was greeted by my uncle. They put my mom in her hospital gear and we had the opportunity to talk to her before she underwent the surgery.

Another hard moment for me.

I had to find the words to say. I needed to assure her everything was going to be okay. I needed to actually be strong for her. I needed God, more than ever. I walked in passing all the curtains who probably held someone else's mother, father, daughter, son, uncle etc... Then I reached her curtain and there she was in her blue hospital gown. For the first time in my life, I saw my mother scared. It was always the other way around when I look back at it. I was always scared, she was always there. Now the roles reversed and I needed to be there. She held my hand as tight as she could. I told her I loved her and that everything would be okay, because I felt it. I felt that God through my sleepless night was telling me it would be okay. A tear rolled down her cheek and I soon had to leave because my uncle needed to talk to her next. I stayed in the waiting room with my pillow. We waited and to distract me Omar, my moms boyfriend encouraged me to order books, then my uncle took me to the cafeteria and we talked. Everyone was just counting down the minutes. Soon the surgeon assured us she would be okay. The surgery was successful.

Another moment in my life where I could finally breathe.

 I soon fell asleep, out of all the nerves I finally could relax. The first day out of surgery, literally that night my mother was already walking. The nurse encouraged her to continue and everyday she grew stronger. I slept by her for a night. My uncle brought back homemade soup and we all shared a family dinner in the hospital. The thing I admire most about my family, is despite all the bad we have this ability to laugh. My mom was even laughing. It was a hard time, but yet we were all still so joyful that we got through it. Rather than dwelling, we were just glad.

So if you read all this, here's how it impacted my life. I grew to be more thankful. I am not perfect by any means and sometimes my mom and I have our tiny arguments. I thank God for them, as funny as it may sound. I thank Jesus, God,  and the Holy Spirit. I thank them, because that means she is well. It means that she will always be my mom. I am so lucky. I am thankful for my grandpa. I am thankful for our visits, our laughter, and his stories about his friends and his stories about my uncle and mom. I enjoy when he talks about my little cousins and how his face lights up each time he sees them. I enjoy being able to tell them I love them both at the end of every conversation. I am beyond blessed, in prayer I pray for those who have to go through what my grandfather and mother went through. I pray for the young children battling this disease. I pray for the families. It drives me to tears, because just knowing a fraction of it , was difficult. My grandfather continues to battle and I will always continue to support and love him in his battle, because through Gods grace I will always be his biggest ally and not just for him but for cancer patients in general. I am growing my hair to create a wig for children in need. On October 16th, I will be going "bald" ( wearing a bald cap because I am growing out my hair) for children at BASE camp. If you would like to sponsor me, please check out this link below. I can do all things through Christ and I feel that I was called to use my experience to continue to raise funds and impact the lives of those who fight cancer.  I have volunteered in Relay for Life and I will always look for the opportunity to be an advocate for all those who face cancer, for those who battled and for those who continue to fight it today.

Psalms 183:3 On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased

Thank you all so much for reading!

Thursday, May 7, 2015

blog post twelve.

as you may have noticed, I don't post much on here. typical life of a college student, however we procrastinate like crazy. I've been procrastinating this blog. honestly I didn't know what to make it about and the grammar will be guaranteed awful because I'm writing this from a cellular device. I apologize in advance to all my wonderful language arts teachers or english professors for this. anyways it's finals and last time it was finals I wrote about love. well this time won't be any different. I have a new perspective.... entirely new perspective. 

so being honest with you and myself, I've made a mistake. as a love stricken hopeless romantic I have made a huge mistake.. and although it may seem crazy I let things get to my head. I mean what eighteen year old girl doesn't? he was literally the wrong guy, but mindfully I would fill him with qualities I wanted that he didn't quite have and this was simply because this boy had an interest in me. this is a mistake of course. don't paint a picture of someone that's unrealistic, because we're all imperfect and that's okay. it's not his fault, nor mine but I don't think in my heart we would've been right for each other.

however, meet someone with meaningful qualities, meet someone who brings you joy and makes you actually want to be a better person. love isn't a game for just looks. I mean looks fade but does your heart fade? it doesn't it's always there with you. 

so here I am as well as you wondering where this blog is going. well let me begin by saying, don't rush things. in my heart I want a man, who will grow me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. yes, it is possibly a lot to ask for, but I will wait. 

I want to address another thing, since we are on the subject of love. at a young age, my mom divorced my dad. I simply grew up with my mother and I know that this isn't in the normal realm for some people. some of you had both parents, some of you had step parents and maybe some of you had a single parent. if you have a single parent you'll relate. even though my mom divorced my dad, I still believe that marriage is a beautiful thing and a one time commitment. I believe that marrying someone is not something you do for fun and get divorced but it's something you do once whole heartedly and fully. you give your heart and soul to one person, and that commitment should only be done ONCE. yes, you will have times that aren't the best, but that's what love is. love is simply sticking it out when it all goes wrong and taking the love you have for everyone and spreading it. I believe that finding your soulmate is something that takes times and maybe you'll go through a lot of wrong people but you get closer to knowing what you look for and closer to that person. This isn't to say that I don't believe that there are circumstances when divorces are appropriate, because there are. I do believe that people who are divorced deserve a second chance at love. I honestly believe like most things in life, deserves a second chance. I just firmly believe that before you make that commitment you have to make sure it's the right person. 

rather than looking at someone's traits simply get to know them. be with someone who fulfills you as a person and makes you want to be amazing. I also want to say that if you're like me and you love the concept of love. you like the cheesy romantic movies. you basically listen to love songs. then get this, you're surrounded by love. you have a family and a group of friends who care for you and you have a community who needs you. you are loved, rather then seeking it from exterior sources focus on what you have with you. I got caught up in so many things and when I think and pray for all the love I have from all the people I've met and all the joy they've bought me. do I really need anymore?

that's not to say I'm not human and I don't like anyone in a romantic form. it's simply saying focus on what you have and not worrying about what you don't have. everyday is a blessing. everyday you have choices and hopefully you make the ones that lead you towards that soulmate. so yes I do believe in soulmates and I do believe in forever. 

fun fact: on my right hand is my great grandfathers wedding band. he never took it off, when he passed away they had to literally cut the ring off. if that's not symbolic on how I feel about marriage then I honestly don't know what is? they had a love that was beautiful and I fully intend on doing the same. 

Thursday, March 12, 2015

blog post eleven

I've had too many drafts of this post. I never want to be one to tell people what to believe because we all believe in different things and although I've lived in a small town I've known enough people to know that I respect everyone for their differences. meeting different people teach you to value your beliefs.

I've never been one to be ultra religious. it's not because I don't want to be it's simply because my relationship with religion is one that I feel is between myself and my religion. being quite honest, it took something impactful to happen to bring me closer to my religion.I'm catholic. in all honesty, as much as I didn't want this blog to be about my faith originally, but I want a way of tracking my own spiritual growth, and maybe this can help someone else who has been in the same situation I have been in. I think I should start from the beginning.

At a young age, I was sent to catholic school and in all honesty I had the most amazing faith in god. I had the most amazing priest and I can honestly say that I would have never chosen anyone different to be my spiritual guide. I learned a lot about God during this time, however, I was young and I completely always underestimated the power of prayer. I can honestly tell you all that as you get older you truly learn what religion is and it's something beautiful. having a relationship with god is something that is so special because it's so personal and god has been there through everything with me. he's been there at my absolute worse more than my absolute best and in all respect I believe I owe him  more than that. I want to continue my story however, and the reason is that too many events have happened today to actually make me want to blog about this.

As I moved away from my catholic school and towards my public one, all I had learned had slipped through my mind. this is unfortunate but regardless of this, God has given me so many constant blessings. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have so much liveliness despite all the things I've gone through. This isn't to say that I've gone through more than the average person, but it is to say that I have faced my own hardships. I have faced circumstances that I could not control, some that nearly broke me as a person, but I constantly went back to what I was taught. Regardless of myself straying from being as close, I really do believe that God has been there through absolutely everything I've gone through and he never presented me a challenge that I couldn't overcome. I can't be open about my challenges simply because they are all too personal, but I can tell you that it has shaped me to be strong. I would constantly tell my friends that I felt so alone but in all honesty today in adoration, I realized I never was alone and this made me cry because I have had always had God and I know he listens to what I have to say. I know he hears me. I know he sees me. I know that he understands what I say because just when I would think it was getting to be all too much, He would send me a sign.

Now I'm in college, and I've told this to you all in a separate blog and there is a catholic center.There are so many amazing people there. They're all super nice and it's nice to be able to go deeper into my relationship with God while making friendships. The absolute turning point was this winter break. I had an unfortunate event happen in my life. I was in New Orleans. My mom decided to take me to a cathedral. I sat there and just had this honest conversation with God thanking him and asking him to help me through what I was going through and like always I got an answer. I sat there crying because things were seemingly too hard. However in a sense through everything God has held my hand and led me in the right direction. As I learn more about God, the more I want to strive to be a better person.

The reason my day relates to this is because:
1) My mom called me today and we talked about faith and she told me that she always wants be to be better than she is. She wants me to have more faith. It's only fair that I honor her wish not only for her but for myself.
2) Today, I met this wonderful professor who has been such an absolute help. Despite me feeling that being undeclared in college has been an absolute question mark she has presented me answers ones that are determining my future. I believe God placed her in my life because I asked one of the most common questions: What is my future going to look like?
3) I sat outside today and admired the little things and I sat with my friend and all we talked about was our conflicts. I turned to her and said: " But can you believe how good we still have it?" and she agreed. Sometimes we always get caught up in so many different things and we forget the small things, we forget our spirituality, and most importantly we always forget to be grateful.

I'm not catering this blog to only Catholics. It's hard for me to express this in any other way, but through everything you may go through. I hope that your spirituality or religion guides you as God has guided me. I am absolutely grateful for all the blessings and the education I receive. I hope that God can take the love I have for him and hand it to other people. I hope that religion is a way for me to constantly become a better person. I strive to be a better person and I believe that even through my faith was tested in all my challenges just as I was regaining  a stronger one I never lost it. I hope you never lose faith in whatever you may believe in. Whatever keeps you closest to your spiritual peace hold it close to you good or bad things may happen in life, but that is one thing that never changes.