I always do a post on the week of finals, it's become tradition. Probably because I can reflect on my semester.. I think there's a beauty in it all. I don't know. I think it's the ability to look back and maybe learn something about yourself you didn't know 5 months ago. It's the beauty of being able to look into your friends eyes and be like "You've been there with me through these insane 5 months" the thing is, this blog is about goodbyes, emotions, and maybe what I learned. It'll come in parts so please excuse the change of topics.
I am excited for next semester and I learned that my emotions overpower me. They control me, they sometimes hurt me, they basically don't allow me to think things logically. I have the worst temper and it's such a weakness. God's grace is going to shape me into who I want to be. My emotions seem to control my mood and I wish I could be happy all the time. I wish I could put an ocean between myself and my emotions.
Anyways I can't stress the power of the Lord enough, it's so powerful. I've been spending my last three days as a recluse (okay maybe not that extreme) but I've been in books and stuDYING. As I study, I listen to break up songs and they all have the same connotation "I'm not thinking about this person, because they did {insert wrongful doing here}. Yeah, BUT if you weren't really thinking about them then what is the song even about? Clearly when you sang it or wrote it you reflected on your past. That's besides the point. I'm not really sure at the moment how I feel about absolutely anything. In my heart I want closure from my emotions but at the same time I'll miss them... a lot. I'll miss it so much I won't know. I know in my heart that God is all I need. He is. When I call him, he's here. He's with me right now. He knows what I want to tell you, or how I want to guide you.
My point is that on this very Sunday, I was presented with a problem. My study buddy was having boy problems and it seemed like I had an honest input. She liked a boy, who just got out of a relationship a week ago. He was basically into her but at the same time still hurt. I mean they dated 2-3 years, how does one get over that? I offered her my input. I told her she was worth someone who would wait instead of using her as an emotional crutch. She expressed her fears, that she felt unworthy and that what if that's all there really was left for her. That caused me to reflect on my own life. Here I was telling her to let him go because she was worthy of so much more. BUT was I thinking the same about myself? Am I worth more than what I'm getting?
The answer to my own question is yes. I am currently striving to be the virtuous woman. I am striving for success, not with a man but with God. Yes, right now at this very moment it's hard for me to say those words to myself because my heart is entangled in the wrong things but keyword: striving. I am striving. I am learning to love myself for who I am and with that comes with knowing your own worth. You are worthy of a text back, you are worthy of a "goodnight" of a "good morning". You are worthy of someone who will absolutely make your world spin and make things easier. You, my reader are worthy of someone who will make your problems theirs. You are worthy of the most extreme dedicated form of love there is. God made us all with this potential. Never think less of yourself. God knows your purpose, he knows you, he loves you beyond the way you love yourself. You could fall 50 times and God will help you get up 1,000 times more.
Ladies, I don't care who he is or what he does but if you're settling I want you to ask yourself, IS this what I am worthy of? Is this the person God wants me to be with? I want you, I dare you to rethink your life and get out of those temporary relationships that leave you wanting a emotional crutch. I know I have a lot to learn and I am so far from this but typing these words on this screen could help me execute them. I am done with settling. I am done with losing but I am also done with not putting God first in all my relationships. Trust in his will. Look at male companions as friends and allow the Lord to do his will.
Don't hate your emotions even though I did when I wrote this, love them because they mean you're alive. We have this ability to feel, to love deeply, to laugh whole heartedly and as much as the wrong guy can invoke hatred for your emotions. Use them and offer your emotions to God, allow him to give you joy with what he has given you and remember your prince might fall 50 times on his way but through God he will get up 1,000,000 times more for you and come after you. Through God all things are possible.
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