Some of my friends reached out and some didn't. I can tell you I learned who my real friends were and weren't. I spent a lot of time avoiding my Catholic friends. I spent a lot of time in my room and I spent a lot of time in sadness.
I couldn't bring myself to pray. I wasn't angry at God. I wasn't frustrated with God. I was just sad. I was consumed in sadness. I had days where I barely woke up at a reasonable hour and I still have those days.
I spent time angry. I wasn't angry at my grandfather. I was just angry. I felt alone and unwanted and I had a support system but that support system consisted of only 3-4 people out of the many I labeled as friends. My frustration grew not only at them, but at myself. I wanted to be okay again. I knew my grandfather wanted me to carry on. His wife even told me so. He was proud of me. He wouldn't be proud if I gave up, even though I wanted to. I wanted to so badly.
I didn't want to go to school or work. I wanted to spend weeks in grief. I wanted to spend them in the solace of my blankets. I didn't want to continue on if continuing on meant not being able to call him or watch his favorite TV shows every Sunday morning and buying him his favorite baked goods or even just falling asleep on the couch knowing I would wake up from my small nap and see him again. I missed his expression when he dreaded us leaving his house; he never wanted us to leave. I miss being his support through chemo (as awful as chemo is). I just missed him. I couldn't call him after class.
It was bothering me. The community I once built on friends who led me closer to God had vanished The floor under my feet was taken from me and everything I built myself on collapsed.
I spoke to God prior to his death. I told him, I didn't know how I would react once this happened. I only hoped that he would guide me. In many ways he did. Even if I couldn't talk; I knew he would lead me back. I wasn't going to be lost forever.
I took my anger out on family and some of friends. I was more aggressive. I was cursing a lot more. I didn't care when I was sinning. Nothing really mattered. I was lost.
Through everything though, I knew I was loved. I think I would at times forget it conveniently. I just felt the constant burden of being reminded...........
________________________________________________________
REWRITE:
I thought part 2 would be far easier to write as soon as I finished part 1. To be honest with you and myself... it's not. Life isn't you writing a consistent part of a story to make it mesh with another so easily. Life is picking up the scraps. Even faith is picking up the scraps to start over again. That's hard when you're overly critical of yourself. I don't allow myself to fall. I can't. I'd let down too many people.
___________________________________________________________
It's now October 19th 2017. There are several reasons why I haven't finished this blog in particular. One being, because I wanted to report significant change. I wanted to tell you that I fell off the bandwagon and got back on, but that's not true. The only way these blogs are effective is if I don't lie to you or myself (mostly myself I don't get a long of traffic on this blog). I fell spiritually. I think in a way I've been so hard on myself. Grief is not easy. There's no formula for handling death. Yes, you can confide in God (which I try to). The pain still lingers. Every Sunday, I don't go to my grandfathers house anymore nor does he tell stories about his youth. Now Sunday's are just an empty void with nothing to do but go back to college. I avoid the thought of my grandfather entirely now and not because it's painful but I just don't like being sad. Honestly, I do things now that make me happy. I know in my heart it's what he would've wanted. My grandfather was selfish in some regards but in others he wasn't. Like I said before, I learned who my friends were. As hard as it was, I learned who was there and who wasn't.
I think this blog is fueled by so many things. I love living for God. I've been blessed so much since my grandfathers passing. I have a new job and my coworkers love me. I've gotten the opportunity to do things I wouldn't normally do. I learned how to let go. I had to let go because it was no longer healthy to over extend myself for people who wouldn't do the same for me. Maybe, that sounds Un-Christian. I spent too much time revising and editing myself to please other people and maybe they didn't want me to. But I found myself dancing, laughing, and being who I was meant to be with people who didn't require me to extend myself and at least if I did, it was always reciprocated. In the four years I've been in college I dealt with both my mother and grandfather having cancer simultaneously and then having my grandfather pass away.
I've tried labeling myself as selfish, but when your community of friends fails you, are you really the selfish one? Like I said before, I'd be in bed for hours. I wasn't myself. Now through all of this, I crave nothing more than being me. I want to be unfiltered. I don't want to hold myself back anymore. It's so exhausting. I began a vicious cycle of self-blame. I knit-picked myself as to why this "community" wouldn't accept me. I've talked to several of them about this and I felt like I was crazy. The funny thing is you can't avoid people, who don't reach out to you. I'm tired of placing blame on myself. It took me leaving group chats for people to realize that I wasn't there anymore. It wasn't my personal appearance but me hitting a button on my phone for them to realize I was displeased.
BUT, re-reading my old blog posts I decided way long ago to keep everything on a positive note. I know that maybe approaching my problems by writing them in some blog is probably not the best attempt at fixing it. I just got tired of attempting to fix a problem that wasn't on my end. But, back to the positives. I'm not getting into specifics on the negatives. Here we go.. I think I found the answer to my problems in confession one night. My friend Maria and I were on this retreat all the way in TN. I finally got myself together and confessed to the priest. He told me I was being too hard on myself (which I was). Every time I wouldn't pray or I couldn't bring myself to, I'd get mad at myself. I'd get mad at myself for not being happy. Yes, I took what he said too literally and as far as spiritually I'm still displeased with myself more so because I've been sinning and I think I've created a huge drift between myself and God. Which is why for many reasons I felt unqualified for writing this blog because I wanted to share how I overcame grief. I might be blaming my grief a little bit too much, but ever since my grandfathers passing it's been a little harder on me. I also felt unqualified for being a missionary which was something I've wanted to do since Confirmation and right now I am unqualified. I have to get myself together. Again need I remind myself "He doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."
I constantly preach to my friends that Jesus fell on his cross and we have our entire lives to continuously fall on ours. I've fallen on mine. Tremendously. However, I go onto say it's never too late to pick it back up and I promise you, reader, I will. Slowly, but surely I will. I will carry it on my back and walk for a while until I can run. It's what I want for myself. I'll seek positive friends and force myself to attend mass on Sunday. I haven't for months. I will push myself to continue on and I encourage you to do the same. I want to feel God's love. I sometimes fail to acknowledge it. I always say the world is so loud. I need to find my quietness in prayer. I want my soul to go back to the way it was. I have an angel in heaven who needs me, and that angel is my grandfather.
My next blog will be like the last two. I love those so much.
Through everything though, I knew I was loved. I think I would at times forget it conveniently. I just felt the constant burden of being reminded...........
________________________________________________________
REWRITE:
I thought part 2 would be far easier to write as soon as I finished part 1. To be honest with you and myself... it's not. Life isn't you writing a consistent part of a story to make it mesh with another so easily. Life is picking up the scraps. Even faith is picking up the scraps to start over again. That's hard when you're overly critical of yourself. I don't allow myself to fall. I can't. I'd let down too many people.
___________________________________________________________
It's now October 19th 2017. There are several reasons why I haven't finished this blog in particular. One being, because I wanted to report significant change. I wanted to tell you that I fell off the bandwagon and got back on, but that's not true. The only way these blogs are effective is if I don't lie to you or myself (mostly myself I don't get a long of traffic on this blog). I fell spiritually. I think in a way I've been so hard on myself. Grief is not easy. There's no formula for handling death. Yes, you can confide in God (which I try to). The pain still lingers. Every Sunday, I don't go to my grandfathers house anymore nor does he tell stories about his youth. Now Sunday's are just an empty void with nothing to do but go back to college. I avoid the thought of my grandfather entirely now and not because it's painful but I just don't like being sad. Honestly, I do things now that make me happy. I know in my heart it's what he would've wanted. My grandfather was selfish in some regards but in others he wasn't. Like I said before, I learned who my friends were. As hard as it was, I learned who was there and who wasn't.
I think this blog is fueled by so many things. I love living for God. I've been blessed so much since my grandfathers passing. I have a new job and my coworkers love me. I've gotten the opportunity to do things I wouldn't normally do. I learned how to let go. I had to let go because it was no longer healthy to over extend myself for people who wouldn't do the same for me. Maybe, that sounds Un-Christian. I spent too much time revising and editing myself to please other people and maybe they didn't want me to. But I found myself dancing, laughing, and being who I was meant to be with people who didn't require me to extend myself and at least if I did, it was always reciprocated. In the four years I've been in college I dealt with both my mother and grandfather having cancer simultaneously and then having my grandfather pass away.
I've tried labeling myself as selfish, but when your community of friends fails you, are you really the selfish one? Like I said before, I'd be in bed for hours. I wasn't myself. Now through all of this, I crave nothing more than being me. I want to be unfiltered. I don't want to hold myself back anymore. It's so exhausting. I began a vicious cycle of self-blame. I knit-picked myself as to why this "community" wouldn't accept me. I've talked to several of them about this and I felt like I was crazy. The funny thing is you can't avoid people, who don't reach out to you. I'm tired of placing blame on myself. It took me leaving group chats for people to realize that I wasn't there anymore. It wasn't my personal appearance but me hitting a button on my phone for them to realize I was displeased.
BUT, re-reading my old blog posts I decided way long ago to keep everything on a positive note. I know that maybe approaching my problems by writing them in some blog is probably not the best attempt at fixing it. I just got tired of attempting to fix a problem that wasn't on my end. But, back to the positives. I'm not getting into specifics on the negatives. Here we go.. I think I found the answer to my problems in confession one night. My friend Maria and I were on this retreat all the way in TN. I finally got myself together and confessed to the priest. He told me I was being too hard on myself (which I was). Every time I wouldn't pray or I couldn't bring myself to, I'd get mad at myself. I'd get mad at myself for not being happy. Yes, I took what he said too literally and as far as spiritually I'm still displeased with myself more so because I've been sinning and I think I've created a huge drift between myself and God. Which is why for many reasons I felt unqualified for writing this blog because I wanted to share how I overcame grief. I might be blaming my grief a little bit too much, but ever since my grandfathers passing it's been a little harder on me. I also felt unqualified for being a missionary which was something I've wanted to do since Confirmation and right now I am unqualified. I have to get myself together. Again need I remind myself "He doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."
I constantly preach to my friends that Jesus fell on his cross and we have our entire lives to continuously fall on ours. I've fallen on mine. Tremendously. However, I go onto say it's never too late to pick it back up and I promise you, reader, I will. Slowly, but surely I will. I will carry it on my back and walk for a while until I can run. It's what I want for myself. I'll seek positive friends and force myself to attend mass on Sunday. I haven't for months. I will push myself to continue on and I encourage you to do the same. I want to feel God's love. I sometimes fail to acknowledge it. I always say the world is so loud. I need to find my quietness in prayer. I want my soul to go back to the way it was. I have an angel in heaven who needs me, and that angel is my grandfather.
My next blog will be like the last two. I love those so much.
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