Warning: This blog post is going to be extremely long. I encourage you to read it, but please please make sure you read this when you are free.
So anyway if you have not read my previous blog ( which I do encourage you to), it was totally and completely about love. However my point of view has been shifted again. As some of you who are reading this may or may not know I was at a retreat this past weekend. This retreat has changed my view point on love and perhaps even expanded my previous ideas.
In order for you reader to understand this blog and myself.... we need to take it back to second grade. Yes, I said it second grade.. What happened in second grade? My very first crush. His name was Danny. ( Danny if you ever do read this... Hi!!!). I liked Danny. He was cute... he had the same faith I had?... not a lot to go on here. I knew Danny second to fifth grade in my Catholic school.
So here you are thinking.. that's perfectly normal and cute which it is. It is cute and adorable...at that age. Unfortunately for me I have continued that pattern of liking guys and in the end it would leave me empty. I bet you're thinking why empty? How could a crush leave you empty?
Because as most girls I am a total hopeless romantic.
I fed qualities into guys just so I would feel that they are perfect and we could be perfect. I would imagine dating them or being with them ( and that may sound creepy). It's like wanting and craving a life long soul mate in a person you like only due to physical attributes.
So like Danny and many other guys as second grade went on it was a cycle. One that I did not see as unhealthy. I thought it was perfectly normal and healthy to like guys in this way or form. Soon I gained the courage to actually speak to my crushes and it became worse because I would heighten their good qualities. I didn't think at the time that I could possibly talk to God or Jesus about matters of my love life.
I would think:God has better things to worry about then Luke not liking you or just tell him what you're thankful for and what you need don't bother God with your feelings on your love life.
Perhaps I would pray that they would like me back just so like most of my friends I would be in a relationship with a guy who I could trust and have to be there with me. It's increasingly hard to have this constant reminder that you haven't had your first boyfriend or kiss and you're standing and waiting for these incredible things to occur. It's not to say I am jealous or envious just that all my life as unrealistic and cheesy also cliche as it may sound: I want my fairy tale ending. I want to be married. I want the ups and downs. I want kids. Maybe I want the white house with the picket fence. Who knows?
As much as I would love to continue the story on previous past crushes of mine... I need to go to the present.
First year of college.
Wow, where was my mind back then? Obviously on books. Anyways....I met a guy. Thought he was different. Isn't it how it always begins? He serenaded me with his guitar. It was great. In my heart I knew he wasn't right for me. His carelessness for his grades and how he was constantly with other girls and that's not to say that there is a problem with having female friends. However once I got to know him I understood why he had many female friends. He was charming and seemingly into his faith which was Christian. There aren't a lot of differences between Catholics and Christians. For me, the other guys faith ( the ones I crushed on) was never a big deal to me. I figured that why should it matter if you have different faiths if that person was possibly meant for you. Well, he turned out to not be what I painted him to be.
EVERYONE was telling me this but I did ignore it because in my heart I felt that maybe it could be... especially because for once the feelings were reciprocated and he liked me back. Soon enough however, as I got to get to know him I didn't really want anything to do with him. You're probably wondering why? The truth is one day... my catholic friends from college convinced me to go to this Spirit & Truth. There was this brilliant podcast by Sarah Swafford playing. A lot of things she said stuck out to me. She said the most important word is: Use. Then I realized shortly after that podcast was that he was trying to USE me. ( in the sense that he would ask for my completed work the previous semester) She also said to lay all your insecurities in front of Jesus and that the time will come when you will look next to you and you'll see the person next to you, the one you're meant to be with. I prayed a lot about this person. I wanted to ask God what was his purpose. Why was he in my life? I can tell you that I did receive an answer. I was closer to the conclusion I am at now but not quite. The answer was: he was a lesson, this boy was in my life to teach me that I can let God know whatever is on my mind whether it be boys or insecurities. I can just lay them all out and trust that he will always listen. BUT... like I said I wasn't quite there.
Shortly after this guy was a part of my life, I met someone new. He was different. No, he was ACTUALLY different. He was into his faith and his family. So here I go... He is sweet. He is kind. He wasn't using me or anything. I liked him because of the way he was so into his faith. I was just coming back to being at the place I was before ( this will be in a separate post ... someday). So of course I continued to see him. He made me want to be more into my faith. SO maybe as much of a crush as it was it was also a spiritual crush. Then there was this retreat.. it was around the corner. Of course, I asked God once more, why him? Why of all people was this amazing guy in my life? Of course, the pattern was prevalent to the point where I would heighten all his qualities. I started to realize then that it was wrong to like someone in this way because as much as I did like his personality I also liked his appearance. It wasn't until one night in a cabin, in this retreat where I spoke to 2 amazing friends of mine that they helped me come to this conclusion. It's wrong to objectify someone. When we do this we build broken houses with guys that maybe not the ones. By broken house she meant that we picture this ending but we're doing this in the wrong way. By liking someone for their appearance, we're subconsciously doing this. It's mostly by feeding qualities into people to make us think that we have a soulmate. You need to TRUST that God is making your perfect house. Slowly but surely God is setting the foundation for that perfect house. He will give you a soulmate when he feels the time is right. Another reason that a friend of mine brought up was that maybe God presents you with these people because they need prayers. In her example the guy she liked was struggling with his vocation ( which is basically if he should be a priest or get married). So she prayed for him and he chose his vocation to become a priest. I thank this person that I liked because he made me want to be more into my faith, he made me want to be closer to God. Perhaps, that was his purpose. I pray for him because as I said he is genuinely a good person. He deserves to be happy.
EVERYONE was telling me this but I did ignore it because in my heart I felt that maybe it could be... especially because for once the feelings were reciprocated and he liked me back. Soon enough however, as I got to get to know him I didn't really want anything to do with him. You're probably wondering why? The truth is one day... my catholic friends from college convinced me to go to this Spirit & Truth. There was this brilliant podcast by Sarah Swafford playing. A lot of things she said stuck out to me. She said the most important word is: Use. Then I realized shortly after that podcast was that he was trying to USE me. ( in the sense that he would ask for my completed work the previous semester) She also said to lay all your insecurities in front of Jesus and that the time will come when you will look next to you and you'll see the person next to you, the one you're meant to be with. I prayed a lot about this person. I wanted to ask God what was his purpose. Why was he in my life? I can tell you that I did receive an answer. I was closer to the conclusion I am at now but not quite. The answer was: he was a lesson, this boy was in my life to teach me that I can let God know whatever is on my mind whether it be boys or insecurities. I can just lay them all out and trust that he will always listen. BUT... like I said I wasn't quite there.
Shortly after this guy was a part of my life, I met someone new. He was different. No, he was ACTUALLY different. He was into his faith and his family. So here I go... He is sweet. He is kind. He wasn't using me or anything. I liked him because of the way he was so into his faith. I was just coming back to being at the place I was before ( this will be in a separate post ... someday). So of course I continued to see him. He made me want to be more into my faith. SO maybe as much of a crush as it was it was also a spiritual crush. Then there was this retreat.. it was around the corner. Of course, I asked God once more, why him? Why of all people was this amazing guy in my life? Of course, the pattern was prevalent to the point where I would heighten all his qualities. I started to realize then that it was wrong to like someone in this way because as much as I did like his personality I also liked his appearance. It wasn't until one night in a cabin, in this retreat where I spoke to 2 amazing friends of mine that they helped me come to this conclusion. It's wrong to objectify someone. When we do this we build broken houses with guys that maybe not the ones. By broken house she meant that we picture this ending but we're doing this in the wrong way. By liking someone for their appearance, we're subconsciously doing this. It's mostly by feeding qualities into people to make us think that we have a soulmate. You need to TRUST that God is making your perfect house. Slowly but surely God is setting the foundation for that perfect house. He will give you a soulmate when he feels the time is right. Another reason that a friend of mine brought up was that maybe God presents you with these people because they need prayers. In her example the guy she liked was struggling with his vocation ( which is basically if he should be a priest or get married). So she prayed for him and he chose his vocation to become a priest. I thank this person that I liked because he made me want to be more into my faith, he made me want to be closer to God. Perhaps, that was his purpose. I pray for him because as I said he is genuinely a good person. He deserves to be happy.
Wow your love history sounds even more complicated than mine (did not think that was possible). I mean this in a good way, of course. The question of "why this person" can never really be answered. I believe we have no control over who pulls on our heart strings. Beautifully written!
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