Wrong Feelings

This blog has been an emotional outlet filled with grammatical errors and me blogging solely based on how I feel in a current moment and giving you advice simply based on advice I want to give myself and struggle to. The point is my life has been experiencing a lot of change and ridding myself of emotions that should have never been present in the first place.

Yes, it's all gone and it's time for me to flip a page but you know when you flip a page sometimes, rarely, but sometimes you get a paper cut and it burns at first but quickly it begins to heal and you realize it wasn't all that bad and sometimes you even forget about it. That perfectly describes everything I'm going through. I don't like to brag about things because I'm not that type of person. Humility goes a long way believe me. It's just that I find myself in situations I can't even begin to understand.

Perhaps, I have already lost you but if I didn't then please continue reading.

This all began at 1 am talking to a friend about my emotional shortcomings and how it's time to let go of a certain person. Yes, this was the regular conversation I have been receiving the past three months and if it wasn't from him it would have been from someone else. My problem is that when I'm caught between logic and emotion I chose emotion. I feed into it, maybe  and I wouldn't be here if I didn't and I'm trying to indirectly tell you this story without mentioning names because in us all exists this paranoia of someone knowing how we actually feel and I feed into that as well. We're all actors, so yes you do deserve an Oscar,  best leading lady or leading man. You do it everyday. But this isn't about that.

It was a normal day at work,

Everything was going fine and everything was perfect. As days passed, the same guy would stop by as I was making coffee and when I first started I told him that hey, thanks for being my first friend here. Not that my coworkers were unapproachable but he was making an effort to actually get to know me. Anyways he kept stopping by and then he finally gained the courage to ask for my number and me being Jackie I gave it to him, not because I was interested. My sole focus this semester and hopefully this year, is focusing on myself and my own self growth and who I am, those I love and of course who I want to be.

However, his thunder was quickly stolen by another boy who was also a classmate of mine and he asked me if I wanted to see a movie and even progressed to ask me to cancel my plans to go to the movies. I risk all of this being read by the wrong party and honestly things are just so difficult. The night prior as I was receiving the same call, my friend told me that if I attempted to basically pick up all these emotions and place them on someone else I would be doing myself a disservice. Point is: be careful what you wish for. On the phone I was hoping to get rid of something by beginning something else but not until I got close to it happening did I realize: I'm not ready. I'm absolutely not ready at all. Every time someone attempts to talk to me ( which rarely happens ) with the intention of liking me, I don't understand. Then I got the lecture of self love with my friend and then and only in the next day did I realize what he meant.


I don't love myself enough and I don't give myself enough credit. I don't understand why, but I do know it's time to change. It's time to actually leave the paper cut behind cure the burning sensation allow it to heal and move on, flip the page and actually figure out the questions that have been taunting me. It's time to let go. No more false signs, no more shoveling emotions and pouring them on someone else, and this I mean fully to all of you,

Please give yourself a chance and focus on what you have. Don't concern yourself with trivial matters. Place everything in the hands of the Lord.