blog post two.

twelve of april two thousand fourteen

hello, i haven't done a blog since last year. if anyone has actually been keeping up with my page (which i doubt) then i apologize ( just in case).

if any of you know me well , not a lot of you do. then you'll know my next year at this time. i will be in college. sounds lovely right? freedom and the ability to not be micromanaged by your parents. it's not all that great.

the applying process is stressful.
but this blog isn't aimed at the struggles of applying for college cause that would be flat out boring.

at the age of five a little girl who danced in the kitchen had a dream of being a popstar. she had an american idol karaoke machine and stole her mother's michael jackson cd. she thought that she would sell out arena's and be known worldwide.

that girl was me and that dream stuck with me. anyways you're probably wondering why am i not doing what i want to do? right well it's a simple answer: i can't sing. no one had the heart of telling me i couldn't

i once read an article about how people often times hear their voice the way they want to hear it as supposed to reality. well that's me.
i thought i was wonderful however absolutely terrified of singing in front of people. i made honor chorus (b/c they didn't have people) and the talent show (b/c it was a duet) anyways, my point in this is.

i'm a dreamer. i have the craziest ideas floating in my mind and i have to conform them for college right? and not knowing what you want in college is frustrating. i gave up the dream of singing because i realizied it was a dream that wasn't meant for me and i don't mean to ruin your disney fantasies about making your dreams come true. that isn't my intention. i'm a firm believer that if you put work into something it will pay back. believe me.
my point in this blog is to discuss how things don't always turn out how you want them to and that's a part of life. my mom and i have gotten into a series of arguements over this very subject. she rolls her eyes at my career options and i know she doesn't do it to be mean just simply because she wants me to have a secure future.

the thing is as i mentioned before. i'm the biggest dreamer. i have the biggest imagination and i can't see myself in a average job and that might be my biggest downfall in the future but what i'm getting at is that there's a divide between being a dreamer and reality.

i know i can't sing but i also know that i want to work with musically gifted people. i want to know what floats around their mind when they pen a song or what is the message of their album.
i can't lie the little girl with the american idol karaoke machine still exists within me
she comes alive and she doesn't care if she can't sing.

maybe this blog post is unclear because honestly as much as i want to paint you and myself a clear picture of my future i can't. i've gone through a lot figuring it out. 

i don't want anyone to feel bad for not knowing what they want to do.
i know how it is everyone's like : i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer but it's okay to not know.

believe me a lot of people have told me it's okay to not know (it's hard to believe) but you'll get through it.

i'm still learning about it.

xoxo.

jackie

blog post one.

third of janurary two thousand fourteen

so i'd like to begin blogging and i'm not exactly sure in what i'm trying to accomplish in this. i hope it doesn't end up being long rants.

have you ever felt alone as if no one understood you? we all tend to feel that way at times so i figured that maybe if i share how i encounter my own teenage life someone could relate and possibly say "i'm not so alone" and perhaps that is what i'm trying to accomplish or maybe piece together my own life experiences.

so as you all know from my prior posts i met a boy. and of course like most girls or prior crushes of my own i thought he was "different". he also read the fault in our stars and we enjoyed a lovely conversation. he gave me a hug. he helped me in math , the whole nine yards. and you're probably wondering what i'm trying to get at here.

but let me begin by explaining that i'm usually the girl who's way too busy for guys and that i don't let boys consume me. but he did he honestly did. i even changed a little but i'm probably missing the most important part of the story where multiple people tell the girl to stay away from the boy because he's no good and she didn't listen of course. i'd usually be the girl telling the friend to stay away and wonder why she isn't listening to me but now i found myself at the other end of the stick as the girl who wouldn't stay away even if her best friends told her he was no good.

well since i met this boy he did bring out some good it wasn't entirely crushing or heart breaking as a matter of fact i acknowledge the fact that i'm at the point where the girl is first broken by him but she still believes he's different and my mind knows he isn't but the heart wants what it wants.
but anyways back to the changes. i stopped obsessing over harry styles. i have nothing against being a total fan girl but it was so good to have something real even if it was for a moment. it was good not reading imagines or knowing where harry styles was at every moment and what he was doing or who he was doing it with and that was good too i actually lived my life and i was 

 not obsessing over a boyband was a good thing. i can only take away good things. even if he might not like me. even if it wasn't meant to be.

he had me fooled and it was so consuming i wish i could describe it any other way but that's the only word. every song and it wasn't quite like any other boy but it was so good to focus on school .