blog post six.

so i've gone through a course of many emotions in one day and i can't begin to explain them.

today my mom decided to take her boyfriends son and i to the park. 

i can't lie i was excited and that might seem odd for the age we're in, in which electronics dominate every aspect of our lives especially social media. 

however in that park i had the best memories. it was in those days where my problems were so small and i bought my old ipod with me which coincidentally hadn't been updated in forever. 

anyways as i swung back and forth i remember being in middle school and swinging with my best friend and having competitions as to who can swing the highest and her dad teaching us both how to get a high swing. i shared these memories with my mom's boyfriends son and it kinda came alive. 

the time i went before was after this amazing concert with my new best friend and it made me think of how much things really change. 

let's put it this way

the last time i was on that swing i was maybe 13 or 14  and my best friend was sitting next to me and we listened to our ipods and unplugged ourselves from the world. 

that time

i was no longer friends with the person i called my best friend. i was wearing a concert t-shirt from an artist i just met my first famous person and i had an entirely different best friend. 

it seemed odd how much one place can hold so many memories. it honestly made me miss those days. i listened to music and it made me reflect on so many things. it makes me sick swinging to be honest but i've been going on the swings for such a long time that i ignore it and i allow the wind to blow past my face and let every song lyric hit me. it feels nice.

my point is things change a lot of things can change from one day to another but your memories never do. of course they fade but they never change and you can't live in them but sometimes it's okay to. i lived in that moment with my best friend i don't think it'll ever be the same but it was something i didn't think much of that now i do.

cherish everything even the small things because sometimes their the things that keep you together. 

it's odd how much a old swing set can hold so many lessons and bring me closer to myself but it did, it honestly did. 

blog post three.

twelve of may two thousand fourteen

here we go again.

so the past two blogs have not been current and this one will be, it will be my first ever blogger post on this actual site. exciting right? 

so as i said before my main goal in writing is that someone can relate to it. that in a way my many odd, sad, happy or exciting experiences can help some reader piece together their own life.

to some  of my friends, i seem to be the person who has it all together. most of the times i don't. a lot of my life has been simply me figuring out as i go. i do think of my consequences and my decisions and the impact they will have on other people, however as much as i would want to have it pieced together perfectly... i don't

the girl you see with the perfect boyfriend and grades may have family problems. the girl with the latest clothing and latest phone might have parents who just give her material needs but not affection.

i fall under that category of being one of those who can paint a pretty picture for everyone and force a smile when necessary and let's face it what teenager actually shows all their true emotions on a day to day basis.

a lot of people don't know but i was bullied throughout elementary school and middle school. it was at those times that my self esteem was down. i only had one best friend in middle school and if anything relying on one person with all your emotions is not exactly healthy because you give that one person a lot of power in hurting you. as most middle school girls we had our own fair share of arguments and i felt so alone. but that's besides the point. i didn't like myself not interior but exterior. i didn't like the way i looked. i didn't like the way i felt about myself. the thing was i had this ability to smile and laugh, i seemed perfectly fine.. but i honestly wasn't. i wasn't happy with myself. the deeper i got the more i would eat. i would eat because mentally i would convince myself what is the point on stopping? what is going to change if i have a bite ?

people have the ability of jumping to conclusions on what everyone's life is like by glancing at them. in my perspective as much as we want to believe that the girl with the hot boyfriend and the new iphone has it all she really doesn't. because we don't all have it all ?we don't have the power by looking at someone to know everything they are going through.
we make judgments on exterior's its human nature to categorize people but before you go and say that this person has it all, you need to actually know the person.
don't get me wrong.

i can't complain about my life and the way i live and the people i surround myself with. i love them all in so many ways but i can't sit here and tell you that i live the perfect life. i have my own struggles. my self esteem isn't one of them because i made the effort in changing that. but i do still have my own emotions i go through not everything we see is perfect. i can't sit here and be hypocritical and say that i haven't thought that someone had it all. i actually have. i see the girls in my school with the boyfriends and the cars. i don't envy but i do honestly think wow they must really have everything they could possibly want. but how can i as a outsider honestly believe that when i don't know this person.

we all have something going on whether it's pressure or family or friends or drama. each one of us has a struggle and each journey you take and each problem you face makes you stronger. a canvas might be seemingly perfect but it also might have hidden splotches the artist hid so the viewer can't see. and in a sense the canvas we paint is what we want everyone to see because displaying our emotions can make us seemingly vulnerable and weak. i don't blame us all for painting smiles and laughing because i do it too. i hide the things i go through because i don't want my friends to think i'm weak.

you can argue that i said " i surround myself with good people". yes i do and i could tell them everything and i know they would listen but the thing is what i'm trying to get at here is that painting a facade is so much easier. we don't let people in. we don't give them power in hurting us ( because we can't avoid human conflict) but the point is in this entire blog : never judge a book by it's cover.

never assume someone has it perfect because we don't.
at some point the facade can trick anyone anymore and we all lean on someone but never the stranger who can see you in a hallway or on a street, so to the public eye you can seem perfectly normal but have a  war inside.

at the end of the day it's who you count on that really matters and if you're as reserved as myself and you can paint the pretty picture of being okay most of the time, that means the person you depend on is someone really trustworthy.

i don't want this to be interpreted as me endorsing hiding your emotions, i don't. this is me acknowledging those who can hide it and paint a pretty picture when in reality it isn't so pretty and attacking a common belief that of someone having everything. if you're completely transparent and you trust everyone more power to you! but if you're like most of us you fear judgement and vulnerability drawing a smile on your face is so much easier then getting the unexpected result.

don't judge until you know.
xoxo,

jackie.

blog post two.

twelve of april two thousand fourteen

hello, i haven't done a blog since last year. if anyone has actually been keeping up with my page (which i doubt) then i apologize ( just in case).

if any of you know me well , not a lot of you do. then you'll know my next year at this time. i will be in college. sounds lovely right? freedom and the ability to not be micromanaged by your parents. it's not all that great.

the applying process is stressful.
but this blog isn't aimed at the struggles of applying for college cause that would be flat out boring.

at the age of five a little girl who danced in the kitchen had a dream of being a popstar. she had an american idol karaoke machine and stole her mother's michael jackson cd. she thought that she would sell out arena's and be known worldwide.

that girl was me and that dream stuck with me. anyways you're probably wondering why am i not doing what i want to do? right well it's a simple answer: i can't sing. no one had the heart of telling me i couldn't

i once read an article about how people often times hear their voice the way they want to hear it as supposed to reality. well that's me.
i thought i was wonderful however absolutely terrified of singing in front of people. i made honor chorus (b/c they didn't have people) and the talent show (b/c it was a duet) anyways, my point in this is.

i'm a dreamer. i have the craziest ideas floating in my mind and i have to conform them for college right? and not knowing what you want in college is frustrating. i gave up the dream of singing because i realizied it was a dream that wasn't meant for me and i don't mean to ruin your disney fantasies about making your dreams come true. that isn't my intention. i'm a firm believer that if you put work into something it will pay back. believe me.
my point in this blog is to discuss how things don't always turn out how you want them to and that's a part of life. my mom and i have gotten into a series of arguements over this very subject. she rolls her eyes at my career options and i know she doesn't do it to be mean just simply because she wants me to have a secure future.

the thing is as i mentioned before. i'm the biggest dreamer. i have the biggest imagination and i can't see myself in a average job and that might be my biggest downfall in the future but what i'm getting at is that there's a divide between being a dreamer and reality.

i know i can't sing but i also know that i want to work with musically gifted people. i want to know what floats around their mind when they pen a song or what is the message of their album.
i can't lie the little girl with the american idol karaoke machine still exists within me
she comes alive and she doesn't care if she can't sing.

maybe this blog post is unclear because honestly as much as i want to paint you and myself a clear picture of my future i can't. i've gone through a lot figuring it out. 

i don't want anyone to feel bad for not knowing what they want to do.
i know how it is everyone's like : i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer but it's okay to not know.

believe me a lot of people have told me it's okay to not know (it's hard to believe) but you'll get through it.

i'm still learning about it.

xoxo.

jackie